


honey (do you want me?)

by taeyeons



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 5 Things, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Im trying my best, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, Teacher!Daniel, escort!jihoon, not like u think it is :)), or at least i think it's slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-07-12 22:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16004273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeyeons/pseuds/taeyeons
Summary: Jihoon is an expert at running away from his heart's true desires and Daniel's an expert at seeking them out.





	1. to the ghosts in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> hi, what the hell me too why is the first chapter so lengthy? i also question myself.... it is indeed chaptered and yes, i solemnly swear i'll finish this. stay tuned and all that shizzzzz. 
> 
> i'm also not so sure how long this fic would be. i capped it at three to give myself some sort of limit but do know that it's undecided!! jsyk this chapter is more jihoon-centric and the second we'll see more daniel. in fact, we'll see him throughout the whole thing. No worries
> 
>  
> 
> the title is slightly adapted from the song, there's a honey by pale waves which kinda started this whole thing. i'm not an expert on writing the business of escorts which is why it's kinda minimal? if i'm wrong, or if there's a mistake, please do correct me. i accept any sort of reasonable criticism and i'm open to learning more. i also briefly scrolled this chapter a few times before giving up on shortening it. haaaaaaaaaaa
> 
> that being said, have fun with this rollercoaster of emotions x

 

The first time, it happens when he’s on the run from yet another late night, lips swollen and his back aching.

 

It’s close to nine in the morning and Jihoon is rarely out this early. If he is, it’s because he’s running out of someone else’s apartment with his clothes carelessly thrown over his body, hair sticking out in different directions and his mind short-circuiting from the fast stunt he has to pull at such an ungodly hour. It’s more of a habit than anything when Jihoon manages to stick his right foot into the correct shoe and catch the elevator right before it passes by the floor.

 

Jihoon breathes out a little too loudly in relief as the doors part. He sees a man, taller than him and wearing a hoodie two times his size, standing in the middle of the elevator. Upon seeing Jihoon, he shifts a little to his left, giving the former space.

 

The doors close and the elevator slowly passes by eleven floors.

 

Jihoon catches sight of his reflection in the mirror of the elevator and grimaces at the hint of a hickey blossoming on his neck. _They never listen._ He fixes his hair, ruffling the mess and pushing them back in hopes that the wintry wind won’t fuck it up as much as last night did. As he focuses on his reflection, Jihoon notices the man next to him glancing at him every few seconds with curiosity plain in his gaze.

 

He chuckles silently to himself.

 

In the midst of unfurling his scarf and tugging on the ends to keep himself warm (and that hickey hidden), Jihoon hears a low-toned voice that is ultimately too clear for the morning hour. It almost makes him jump in his skin but as he turns around and faces the man, the question sinks in to splash him with cold reality.

 

“Must have not been a good one night stand, huh?” a laugh tumbles out of the man’s lips. “You didn’t even stay for breakfast? She must be devastated.”

 

The shock must have been really clear on Jihoon’s face as the stranger rushes in, a second late, with abashment painting his cheeks slightly pink. “Ah… sorry. I can get a bit chatty, my friends told me that I have to filter my words constantly.”

 

“It’s… fine.” Jihoon manages to answer, surprising himself even more that he didn’t find offence in it. Mornings like these are usually spent in silence and averted gazes while the scent of last night lingers in the air. It feels almost refreshing to talk, although being called out on his late night endeavours is a brave move.

 

Jihoon smiles for better measure, reassuring the latter, “It’s just that no one has ever done that. You surprised me that’s all.”

 

“I have been told,” the stranger says and Jihoon has a proper look at the latter, taking in the beautiful stretch of his smile, the twinkle in his brown eyes.

 

The elevator dings, crashing them into the outside world suddenly and Jihoon remembers that he has that fucking class he has to run for. He curses inwardly. This is why he doesn’t do date nights on weekdays.

 

“Just so you know, _he_ wouldn’t care if I stayed or not,” Jihoon answers the stranger’s questions and he delights himself in the look of utter surprise splayed over his features. “And it wasn’t that bad actually. See you!”

 

Jihoon wiggles his hand in a wave at the stranger before chuckling and walking away from the apartment building, pushing the handsome face to the back of his head and focusing on running to his lecture on time.

 

And that’s the first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon is late unfortunately but the TA barely blinks at him which says a lot about his punctuality. He slides into a seat next to a timid boy, head bent over the books, Lai Guanlin if Jihoon recalls correctly. The latter looks up with sleepiness still edged in the crook of his eyes. His gaze slowly refocuses and his eyes brighten at the sight of Jihoon, messy haired and late, smiling at his presence.

 

His lips tug upwards instinctively and Jihoon tries to divert his attention to the front of the class where the TA is droning on and on about the errors of an assignment previously. It’s starkly normal from whatever Jihoon had been running around and doing last night.

 

Jihoon misses normal, passes out on the table and dreams of being free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The second time sees Jihoon exclaiming a string of profanities as he accidentally stubs his toe on the corner of a study desk he has been trying to move in the apartment. The place is empty except for an old fan in the corner, wooden cupboards and a marbled dining table set. Nothing looks like they belong together and while Jihoon isn’t an interior design expert, he winces at how the colours crash together.

 

“Be careful,” a voice yells at him from the bedroom. Jihoon rolls his eyes before bending forward to rub at the reddened spot on his toe.

 

“Why are you making me do the hard stuff? I’m not even getting paid.”

 

The owner of the voice (and the new apartment) steps out from the bedroom and chuckles at Jihoon’s pathetic curled form by the study desk. Woojin, Jihoon’s (unfortunate) best friend raises an eyebrow at him, “You’re getting free Starbucks from me every week, is that not enough?”

 

“No,” Jihoon affirms. “I deserve free meals and limousine rides to school.”

 

“You live at the dorms.”

 

“Yeah and now I’m alone. Whose fault is that?”

 

Woojin grabs a bottle of water and chugs down half of it before offering it to Jihoon. “Technically, my aunt’s because this was her apartment and she offered it to me but.” He then turns to Jihoon, face sporting a serious expression. “You’ll be okay. I’m not even far from the campus.”

 

Jihoon sighs, taking a sip from the water. “Is there no way for me to crash here and sleep on the carpet?”

 

“There’s a perfectly good bed at the dorms.”

 

“Just say you hate me and go,” Jihoon whines before pushing the study desk back against the wall. The thud it makes vibrates through the apartment and Jihoon ignores the stern glare Woojin shoots him at the noise. His parents are paying for the rent, Jihoon will do what he can to leave a mark (not really).

 

“I’ll go get the rest of the boxes. You can stay here in your _privilege_ and drink to that.”

 

Jihoon leaves a sighing Woojin in the apartment, trudging out before he can say anything. He may have been kidding half the time but Jihoon wasn’t exactly anticipating today. Jihoon would’ve skipped out on it if he could but he couldn’t do that to his best friend and his second move-in so he sucks it up and helps out as much as he can.

 

Both Jihoon and Woojin stepped into college with a promise to stay in the dorms for the rest of their life there (wishful thinking was working summer jobs, part-time jobs to pay off rent at a shared apartment during second year or something). They didn’t expect Woojin’s aunt to leave him with her apartment and his parents taking it upon them to give their son a better living condition whilst at college. All of it is sweet and Jihoon’s happy for him but.

 

He’s lonely. He will be lonely.

 

 _But you have your night endeavours to keep you occupied_ , Jihoon can almost hear Woojin teasing him with that familiar lilting voice and he’s struck suddenly by how much he’ll miss the latter a lot at the dorms. There’ll be no one to question his bad life decisions and pull him back from the existential crisis he’s always slipping into. Jihoon would have to depend on video games and stabbing a voodoo doll now.

 

Jihoon bids goodbye to the movers that helped to drive them and all of Woojin’s stuff to the new apartment. The middle-aged men grumble in unison before dropping the last box at Jihoon’s feet and immediately heading back into the truck to drive away. Jihoon piles the boxes on top of each other and prays that they won’t fall flat on his face as he walks back into the building, trying to navigate his way to the elevator.

 

He bumps his hip against the ‘upwards arrow’ button and leans back on his heels, waiting for the elevator to arrive at the lobby. Jihoon shifts his weight from left to right and vice versa, the boxes pulling him down. Jihoon could put those boxes down and call his _good-for-nothing_ best friend to come down and take these boxes himself because it’s not his goddamn responsibility but he chooses to hang in there.

 

“Hey, need a little help with that?”

 

Jihoon swivels his head around in surprise, the raspy voice sounding a little familiar but not too much to stick a name on it. His eyes land on a man leaning against the wall, gaze shifting between the boxes in Jihoon’s arms and Jihoon’s very own eyes. There’s something akin to casual recognition blinking in those eyes and Jihoon feels confused and also… weird.

 

“How am I sure that you won’t run away with these?” Jihoon reiterates with a question back. The stranger laughs, eyes crinkling and it’s oddly an adorable sight, the sound pleasantly travelling to his ears.

 

“I’m not interested in physics textbooks and taekwondo but the One Piece figurines are indeed tempting,” the stranger tilts his head at him, gesturing to the boxes which Jihoon realises belatedly are named after Woojin’s possessions.

 

Now that Jihoon is staring at the stranger for a beat longer than normal, he feels a spark of recognition in the sight of that smile he’s wearing. It’s really often that Jihoon goes through these scenarios of bumping into people he thinks he knows or doesn’t know and it happens to be the opposite.

 

So, Jihoon breaks the ice. “Have we ever…” There’s a notable ding in the background and the elevator has reached the lobby. “I don’t know a proper way to say it but have we ever fucked?”

 

“Um.” The stranger’s eyes widen in surprise and then, he drops his gaze elsewhere. It’s almost comically funny, Jihoon swallows back the laugh threatening to erupt out of his throat at the way the stranger shifts his weight from his right to his left. He turns to the elevator when the doors part and no one comes out.

 

Jihoon enters the elevator and turns to the man, still awaiting his answer. He prompts the latter, “So?”

 

“First, give me one of those boxes.”

 

Jihoon raises an eyebrow but he passes one to the man, the one with a note that says, _“Physics (lol kill me)_ ”. The latter huffs and leaves it at his feet as the doors close and they’re set for level fourteen.

 

“No, we didn’t fuck,” the stranger answers, choking on the last word. Jihoon’s mouth twitches. “But I did call you out on it in this very elevator. I’m surprised you don’t recall it considering I was very… invasive.”

 

Jihoon narrows his eyes at him and perhaps the way his smile stretches all the way to his cheekbones, the way his voice is lightly gritty at the edges, the glint in his eyes does seem a bit familiar. He sweeps his gaze around the elevator and gets a painful reminder of why he was here before, how he ended up here and what he got himself into then.

 

He can’t say he changed, the fact that he didn’t even notice it a single bit says something about his character and he casts a glance at the man, wondering.

 

“I have a bad memory,” Jihoon ends up explaining.

 

The man chuckles, “It’s fine.” The elevator dings and stops at level ten. The doors part to reveal a sickeningly common joke; no one’s there. “I can’t say I expected you to move in right into the same apartment building as your…”

 

He trails off unsure and spouts a few suggestions, “Partner? Fling? Ex?”

 

“What’s your name?” Jihoon changes the subject instead. _These kinds of conversations never go well._ If the latter notices, he doesn’t say, merely perks up.

 

“Kang Daniel,” the stranger – _Daniel_ introduces himself with a light laugh. “Yours?”

 

“Park Jihoon and I’m not the one moving in.” Jihoon clarifies with an easy smile. The elevator dings again and it’s level fourteen. He shuffles forward with the boxes in hand and leans his elbow against the button outside so that Daniel can follow suit with the boxes he offered to carry. “My best friend is. I was so preoccupied with it, I didn’t notice.”

 

Daniel, himself, is preoccupied with the boxes in his arms. He blinks once, twice, and absentmindedly says a _thank you_ when the elevator doors don’t shut closed on him. At Jihoon’s words, he tilts his head in question.

 

“Notice what?”

 

Jihoon grins, “That it was the same apartment building as my one night stand.” Daniel falters a little at the confession, Jihoon merely marches on, expecting the reaction. His lips twitch upwards at the look of shock on Daniel’s face. He calls out, “Over here! Or else I’d report you for theft.”

 

He hears Daniel’s footsteps quickening behind him and soon when Jihoon turns to his side, he finds Daniel leisurely falling into step with him, following him to the apartment at the far end of the corridor.

 

“He mustn’t have been memorable for you to forget this place so easily.”

 

Jihoon chuckles, his eyes twinkle when he glances at Daniel. “I’m not sure if you’re being honest or cheeky.”

 

“Honest,” Daniel says but it’s with a familiar glint of mischief in his eyes that Jihoon knows too well; he sees it in himself most of the time.

 

“Sure,” Jihoon answers with sarcasm dripping in his voice. Daniel’s smile deepens and he cocks an eyebrow at him almost suggestively. “Like I said, bad memory.”

 

“Yeah, blame it on that.”

 

 _It must be because I couldn’t have forgotten you easily._ Usually Jihoon wouldn’t hold himself back on saying these flirtatious lines (Woojin used to threaten to slice his dick off if he didn’t keep it in the pants) but something closes up in his throat, holding himself back. Jihoon stares back as his answer, the smile still lingering on his lips. When Daniel locks gazes with him, Jihoon suddenly remembers that he’s a stranger and he’s joking around with a stranger like a normal young adult. Part of him wonders why it’s so easy when it’s been so long.

 

Part of him doubts this.

 

Jihoon comes to a stop before Woojin’s door and if he presses his ear closely against the wooden frame, he can hear the latter blasting the radio. It’s typical and he sighs as he lands a kick against the door as his way of greeting. Jihoon feels Daniel looking at him and sure enough, the boy is side-eyeing him with a mix of surprise and … something akin to admiration?

 

“What the fuck?” Jihoon hears Woojin shout in surprise. “Don’t be rude! It’s a new door!”

 

“Open up or I’ll make sure it’s not very new anymore.”

 

Jihoon hears the door unlocking and it parts to reveal a pissed off Woojin with a hint of a cookie crumb at the corners of his mouth. Jihoon’s stomach silently grumbles at the sight and he realises it’s close to noon and he hasn’t even had anything to eat.

 

In the midst of worrying about his hunger, Jihoon forgets to introduce Daniel to Woojin thus causing his best friend to look up at Daniel with a fixed stern stare that surprisingly Daniel doesn’t cower at. His smile does tighten at the corners and Jihoon doesn’t blame him; Woojin always tries hard to give off a tough impression.

 

“Who are you and why are you holding my One Piece figurines?”

 

Daniel briefly glances at Jihoon before answering, “I’m Kang Daniel, one of your neighbours… I suppose?” He jerks his chin towards Jihoon, “I saw him struggling in the lobby and offered a helping hand.”

 

Jihoon does appreciate it when Woojin gets a little protective of him (and it tends to be more excessive lately with his… endeavours) but the glare he has Daniel under is definitely intimidating and Jihoon sees Daniel sporting a confused expression at the lack of introduction from the latter, maybe a little feared. A sigh leaves Jihoon’s lips and he punches Woojin’s arm to cut the unnecessary tension.

 

“Don’t scare him off!” Jihoon chides. Woojin breaks the stare and huffs out resignedly. He sees Daniel’s shoulders loosening in relief at the corner of his eye. “Thank him and get your stupid stuff.”

 

Woojin shrugs before grabbing the boxes from Daniel. He quietly mutters a “thank you” and disappears inside his apartment before Jihoon could force him to say it _properly_.

 

Daniel chuckles next to him, amusement clear in his voice when he says, “He’s nice.”

 

Jihoon sighs in exasperation before placing the boxes at the door. He feels the ache in his arms and he considers asking for cash for this labour Woojin puts him through on his one school-free day.

 

“He can be,” Jihoon says, turning around to face Daniel. A small smile grows on his face and Daniel catches on, wearing a wider grin in reciprocation. _He’s like a pup,_ Jihoon thinks. He waves at Daniel, dismissing him as he walks backwards into the apartment.

 

It’s more of politeness than anything else and Jihoon is already not expecting anything when his back hits the door frame. “Thank you for helping me out. See you around.”

 

Daniel holds a little hope in his gaze and Jihoon pretends to not notice it, for his sake. “See you, Jihoon,” he answers softly, the syllables of Jihoon’s name sounding like a night’s whisper, and turns around on his heel to leave Jihoon at the door, feeling regretful and he’s perplexed by it.

 

Jihoon shakes it off still because it’s merely a two-time exchange. Kang Daniel is a stranger and he’s not hopeful for anything anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Woojin’s stare burns into the back of Jihoon’s neck and he scrunches his nose up, feeling the itch of Woojin’s heavy silence.

 

“Stop staring,” Jihoon snaps. He rearranges the books on the shelf, a wave of satisfaction coming over him at the sight of the neat order. “If you have something to say, spit it out.”

 

From the corner of his eye, Woojin stands, leaning against his study desk with his arms crossed and the washcloth abandoned on the smooth, wooden surface. Jihoon can already predict his best friend’s lecture thus, he turns his back on him and focuses on the shelves, brushing the dust off.

 

“What am I going to do with you?” Jihoon shrugs in answer because Woojin _already_ made a decision and that is to leave him alone to fend for himself. Woojin sighs, clearly exasperated (and Jihoon doesn’t blame him), “Will you promise to take care of yourself?”

 

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “I already do, excuse you.”

 

There’s concern laced in Woojin’s voice and it halts Jihoon in the middle of turning a book upside down to its right position. Jihoon can only count on one hand where he’s been the recipient of such concern and even then, he rarely listens. He’s stubborn, he knows.

 

Perhaps, that’s why Woojin is concerned because Jihoon is not going to take it to heart. Not anymore.

 

“I’m usually supportive —” to which Jihoon snorts at and Woojin pauses to glare at him pointedly for interrupting rudely. “But aren’t you tired of it by now?”

 

There’s lots of things Jihoon can think of with the pain of exhaustion running through his body. Before Jihoon could ask for an elaboration, Woojin actually _cuts_ to the chase and reminds Jihoon of why exactly he regretted confiding in Woojin ever about the decisions he has made.

 

“Aren’t you tired of not caring for yourself and throwing yourself out there?”

 

Jihoon inhales sharply.

 

“I don’t need you to tell me what to do. Whether I’m tired or not, it’s up to me.” Jihoon seethes and he backs away, frowning at his best friend. Anger briefly flashes by in his mind, stark red, then he notices the deep indent between Woojin’s eyebrows, the clear worry written on his features. He breathes slowly. “Your concern is appreciated, Woojin but I can deal with it.”

 

“I hope so,” Woojin grumbles with a concluding note in his voice. He grabs the washcloth again to attempt scrubbing away at the past pen marks on the surface. The smell of rubbing alcohol itches at Jihoon’s nostrils, unpleasant and pungent.

 

Jihoon lets go of his breath and a small smile nudges along his lips when Woojin turns away from him.

 

“You have nothing to worry about so stop.”

 

Woojin sighs again and he doesn’t turn around this time. Jihoon watches the way his shoulders slouch in resignation.

 

“You’re clumsy, Jihoon and you’re an idiot,” Woojin says, tired. “It’s hard to not worry when I’m best friends with the world’s biggest dimwit.”

 

The thud of a book hitting the wall echoes in the four walls of Woojin’s new bedroom. It barely misses Woojin’s head by an inch and when he whips around to counter back with his pathetic washcloth, Jihoon’s already laughing at him, eyes clear and Woojin’s words pushed to the back of his head for the late nights where he feels like ten thousand mistakes.

 

Jihoon’s laughing and he knows this time, victory is on his side because he slipped away. Again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The third time happens when Jihoon wanders around at night, too late for any public transportation but still early to see the moonlight beaming upon the quiet city. At these times, Jihoon misses home, misses the stars, misses people. This is when the loneliness creeps in and he hates Woojin because _he told him so._

 

Loneliness finds him dwindling outside Woojin’s apartment and it was nearby the last client’s place so Jihoon walks over instinctively for company. Previous company was nice for his bank account and momentarily but when it’s over and he’s sated and tired, he’s crawling out of the bed to scrub it off and forget it.

 

Jihoon knocks against the door, weakly calling out, “Woojin?” A deep inhale, a little stronger than earlier. “Let me in. Please.”

 

He’s met with silence and he doubts for a second because what if Woojin is sleeping and he’s disturbing the latter? Then, he recalls that his best friend is literally nocturnal and doesn’t sleep until morning (which is why all his classes are in the afternoon). Jihoon sluggishly takes his phone out to type a quick text to Woojin, asking where he is, can he crash here, please be here.

 

Not even a few seconds pass by and his phone vibrates with a familiar ring.

 

 _asshead_ [10:03pm]

 

i’m at jinyoung’s place bc my heater is broken rmbr???

come over

he doesn’t mind

 

Jihoon frowns at the line of text messages and locks his phone without even considering the offer.

 

He wraps his arms around his knees tighter and his chin nudges along the jagged torn slots of his denim jeans. Home sounds so far away at this point and Jihoon doesn’t feel like flagging a cab to his dorm building either. He just feels like camping right outside Woojin’s door up until morning where he can’t ignore the death threat imposed on his head for his terrible class attendance.

 

Jihoon sighs. Woojin should’ve known better than inviting him to Jinyoung’s place. The younger may have forgiven Jihoon for all of his atrocity during their past relationship but Jihoon hasn’t forgiven himself just yet. It’s a little painful to see Jinyoung smiling sweetly at him no matter how much Jihoon pushed him away. Jihoon sometimes thinks about his inability to care for another person and to show it as much as they expect, he thinks about the beating organ that resides in his ribcage and how it never really beats for anyone else.

 

Looking at Jinyoung just reminds Jihoon of everything he should’ve been, everything he should’ve said, everything he should’ve given.

 

He stays on the floor, crumpling himself back against the wall and humming a song that dates back to his younger days where times were infinitely simpler than now. Jihoon clenches his fists as the cold bites back along his skin, goosebumps drumming all the way down to his toes. He always underestimates the cold weather, opting merely for a coat and his thickest pair of socks.

 

Now, Jihoon’s regretting every decision he’s made and he’s too exhausted to make a move so he slumps forward, feeling pathetic on a weekend.

 

Time passes by slowly or that’s what Jihoon believes as he ignores the beeping of his phone. It’s Woojin unmistakably and it stops after a while, Jihoon assumes the latter has given up on his best friend and headed to bed. Jihoon is still freezing and he is still lazy, his bones growing heavier and heavier with every minute that passes.

 

Jihoon is sure he’s hallucinating when he feels a pat on the shoulder. It comes again, more firmly than the first and he feels spooked. _‘Storytime: I was haunted to death outside my best friend’s apartment’_ Jihoon can imagine it now.

 

“Hey?” he hears a familiar husky voice and _this_ time, he’s sure it’s not a hallucination or a ghost. It’s worse. “Jihoon?”

 

At the sound of his name, Jihoon turns slowly to look up, meeting Daniel’s eyes. He looks perplexed to have found the younger slouching his life away at a corridor. There’s a bag in his hand and Jihoon’s gaze falls to it momentarily.

 

Daniel is suddenly crouching down next to Jihoon and he can foresee the words that’s about to spill out of his mouth so Jihoon cuts him off, “What’s that?”

 

Jihoon points at the bag and Daniel stops, his hand retracting from Jihoon’s shoulder. The younger lightly exhales through his nostrils when Daniel wiggles the bag in front of him.

 

“These are for Woojin actually. He wanted to burn my One Piece DVDs into his laptop,” Daniel explains, smiling at Jihoon. The latter merely nods along, the fact that his best friend is being all chummy with another guy barely registers in his head.

 

“Hey,” Daniel says again, nudging Jihoon properly this time. Jihoon groans and leans back against the wall for support. He can feel the concerned stare Daniel is giving him. “What’s up?”

 

_Everything, everything, every little thing._

Jihoon swallows, eyes shut briefly, “Nothing. I was waiting for Woojin.”

 

“He’s not in?”

 

Shaking his head as an answer, he turns to his side and opens his eyes to the empty corridor spread in front of him with a light flickering at the end ominously. It must be close to midnight now and Monday classes are going to wreck him over yet sleep doesn’t come and his feet don’t want to come back home.

 

“You can wait for him in my apartment,” Daniel suddenly says and it’s a suggestion that surprises Jihoon so much that he turns around too fast to stare at the latter. Daniel feels the burn of his stare and cowers a bit, unsure. “I mean, if you want to?”

 

Jihoon stays quiet as Daniel babbles on, scratching at the back of his nape, “We can drink wine? Watch football? Or, I can just call a cab home for you.”

 

“I don’t want that,” Jihoon immediately replies.

 

“What?”

 

“I don’t want to go home,” _because it’s not home, nowhere is really home._

 

“Ah…” Daniel bites his lip, so hesitant and confused that Jihoon feels bad and he lets out a light laugh to ease the tension that resides in his frown.

 

He slowly pushes himself off his feet, feeling every bone creak at the pressure. Stretching his limbs above his head, Jihoon holds a hand out for Daniel, inviting and smiling lightly at the latter. Daniel’s gaze drops to his hand, considers for a long minute before slowly curling his own fingers around Jihoon’s.

 

The warmth knocks Jihoon back and he subconsciously tightens his hold on Daniel’s hand which might have shocked the other as his eyes widen at the pressure of their hands.

 

“I hope that wine is good enough for me to skip school tomorrow,” Jihoon says. “And I hope this isn’t a preposition.”

Daniel chuckles. He walks forward first, tugging Jihoon along to the elevators. Jihoon doesn’t really feel like letting go so he basks in the warmth that Daniel emanates off, drawing closer and closer to his body. There’s a sort of comfort in Daniel that Jihoon can’t explain but he can only hope that it’s _good_ and it’s _okay_ for him to stay.

 

“Please,” Daniel waves it off. A teasing lilt to his voice. “I make better prepositions than just getting you drunk.”

 

Jihoon laughs, his heart feeling lighter for the first time tonight.

 

“I bet.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s two cats.

 

The ginger one lets out a soft purr as Daniel walks over to it to softly run his fingers over its head, tickling its ear. The other cat, white and donning a few spots, lies a few feet away in a peaceful slumber. Jihoon hesitates at the foot of the entrance, watching Daniel pet the ginger kitty.

 

He looks up, beckoning Jihoon over with a wave, “What are you doing? Come in!”

 

Jihoon steps forward, gingerly closing the door behind him. Daniel chuckles as the ginger cat flips over, exposing its belly to him. He tickles the furry skin there and gets up to flick the lights on.

 

“I’m pretty sure the building doesn’t allow pets,” Jihoon says, a teasing lilt in his voice, as he crosses over to the couch to sit down.

 

Daniel’s eyes are widened in alarm and when he actually turns around to see the jest clear in Jihoon’s smirk, he sighs. “Please don’t tell,” he pleads nonetheless. Jihoon’s shoulders are shaking in laughter. “They’re harmless, I swear. Literally lazy balls of fur.”

 

Jihoon laughs, “I can see that. Don’t worry, I’ll pretend that I didn’t see them if you don’t tell Woojin about me being here.”

 

Daniel stares at Jihoon a little longer when he says that but he doesn’t press on and just nods along before disappearing into the kitchen. Jihoon lets out the sigh of relief, he feels the wave of gratitude for the lack of questions and settles into the couch further, warmth wrapping around his torso finally. Maybe this is why he feels safe with the taller man; he never forces Jihoon to answer a question, never asks, lets it hang in the air before moving on normally.

 

And in the midst of everything in Jihoon’s life, it’s what he is most grateful for, having the conversation set at his own pace.

 

His eyes sweep over the apartment, already intrigued from the first sight of cats. It’s practically the same layout as Woojin’s but it’s so _so_ different in terms of interior.

 

Daniel, it seems, likes to decorate the walls with random framed paintings. There’s a framed Spider-man comic and Jihoon squints at it. _Nerd,_ he muses inwardly. A vase of neatly arranged flowers sits in the middle of the coffee table along with a pile of some more comic books (Jihoon sees _Fantastic Four_ amongst them and snorts). Everything looks awfully homely with the wooden interior and Daniel must’ve caught Jihoon analysing every part of his home because he jumps in to explain.

 

“My mom refused to leave me alone in the city and tried to make a replica of our home in Busan here,” Daniel gestures to the furniture.

 

“That’s sweet,” Jihoon says genuinely. He thinks of the plain bed he has back in the dorm with a messy shelf of books and a lava lamp that belonged to Woojin. Nothing about it reminds him of his own home. “My parents just dropped my luggage at my dorm and left.”

 

“That sounds better than picking out flower pieces for my apartment and raising an argument on lilacs against daffodils,” Daniel rolls his eyes, circling around the couch to approach Jihoon with a wine bottle he fished out from his cabinet and two glasses.

 

Jihoon eyes the glasses and Daniel notices, “Sorry. I only have these mediocre glasses. If you want actual wine glasses, we can visit a bar instead?”

 

Jihoon folds himself into a ball at the corner of the couch, plunging further into the soft cushions. “I rather stay here.”

 

Daniel smiles, doesn’t say anything else and pops the cork off the bottle effortlessly. Jihoon just peruses silently at the way Daniel pours the wine in both glasses, swirling the bottle at the last drop. He picks both up, hands one to Jihoon whom gingerly takes it from Daniel with cold fingers.

 

“Let’s toast to newfound friendship!”

 

“Whose?” Jihoon asks teasingly, the cup threateningly nearing his lips.

 

Daniel pouts and it’s such a funny sight that Jihoon can’t help his laughter which deepens the frown further. “To us!” he exclaims in mock offence.

 

“Alright, alright,” Jihoon relents and holds his cup out to lightly knock against Daniel’s in a satisfying clanking sound. “To our newfound friendship.”

 

A chuckle leaves Daniel’s lips, he cocks his head sideways at Jihoon, assessing him with a more intensified gaze than earlier like as if the wine reawakens something within him. Jihoon raises his eyebrows questioningly when Daniel doesn’t say anything else, staring at him in the dimmed light with an unreadable expression.

 

He grabs the bottle to pour himself some more, trying to cool off the heat creeping up his neck. It must be the alcohol, though, it’s never this early in the drinking game for him. Jihoon prides himself a bit on his alcohol tolerance (he lasts longer than Woojin, that’s all that matters). Jihoon wraps his hands around the glass, the cool condensation clammy against his palms. His eyes fixate on a spot on the crimson rug underneath his feet, his mind wheeling already from the liquid courage.

 

“You can ask me if you’re curious,” Jihoon speaks up. The pace fastens, the question hanging in the air has room for answers now. He can imagine surprise on Daniel’s face as he continues. “I know you have a few questions to ask and it’s taking a toll on you probably.”

 

A lighthearted laugh.

 

“Not really,” Daniel answers and Jihoon chooses this time to look up to see earnest eyes staring back with a smile. “Just the curiosity.”

 

Jihoon waves it on, taking another sip. He might need more alcohol to go through this.

 

Daniel leans in, propping his chin against his palm in a lazy posture. His gaze drags down from Jihoon’s face to his toes, then back up with more of a determination than before. “Why this?” At Jihoon’s confusion, he clarifies further. “Why sleeping around?”

 

Jihoon must’ve looked taken aback because Daniel blinks and retracts into an apologetic expression. “Ah, I’m sorry. Like I said, this mouth can’t filter properly. You don’t have to answer it.”

 

“It’s fine,” Jihoon swallows. Maybe he can lie his way out of this. _No,_ he scolds himself inwardly. _Conceal the truth._ “I’m just paying for tuition and I got roped into it.”

 

That’s the biggest lie Jihoon has ever told but it’s part of his running lines everyday that it feels like the truth somehow. It is somewhat believable and no one can ever find the truth in anything Jihoon does anyway. He’s a struggling college student with loans to pay and flaunting his body in other beds does seem like a desperate course of action to take when you’re naïve (or confident) but Jihoon is neither. He keeps a tight-lipped smile that grows into a grimace with every sip of wine he takes.

 

“Why do you do that to yourself?” Daniel’s gaze softens as if he understands any bit of Jihoon’s disastrous inner turmoil. “There’s other… less risky part-time jobs.”

 

Jihoon purses his lips, Woojin asked that exact question every single time and it has become a running joke between them but with Daniel, he sees the sincerity in his question. He shrugs, “It doesn’t pay as much as this. Plus, I get gifts sometimes as incentives.”

 

Daniel’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. Jihoon sips on the wine continuously. The taller man is taking this information in more normally than Jihoon expected. Woojin threatened to kick the common sense into him when he found out where Jihoon had been sneaking off to.

 

“Like… a sugar baby?”

 

Jihoon snorts, almost spitting wine out at the allegation. “No, silly. Just gifts? If my clients feel nice, I suppose. Almost like tips.”

 

“Except way more materialistic than pure cash bills, right?”

 

Jihoon smiles. He needs something stronger if he’s diving into this topic further with Daniel. “Right.”

 

While Jihoon doesn’t know why he’s encouraging this kind of conversation (maybe loneliness is eating his brain out and he’s following the “to-not-do’s list” instead), he does know that there’s a kind of comfort in the way his words stink more of alcohol and there’s a high chance of Daniel not caring to remember this.

 

Jihoon only hopes.

 

“Is that a gift then?” Daniel points at the necklace wrung around Jihoon’s necklace and instinctively, Jihoon’s hand flies up to run his thumb along the jagged edges of his birthstone.

 

Shaking his head as an answer, occupying with, “This is my gift to myself.”

 

There’s a sudden shift in the air and Jihoon suddenly feels a ghost by his side, a reassuring intake of breath hovering over the shell of his ear. He turns to see Daniel leaning in to inspect the necklace. His fingers accidentally brush against Jihoon’s and he tenses slightly but Daniel barely notices, taking a hold of the light gold chain between his fingers.

 

Jihoon feels his fist clenching up into a loose fist by his side as Daniel continues to run his fingers over the necklace, slowly picking up the birthstone and nearing his collarbones a little dangerously for Jihoon’s liking. A hint of intensity lingers in Daniel’s stare as the birthstone turns over in his grasp, casting a thin shadow across the ceiling, capturing his breath at the glint of the emerald in the low light.

 

“May?” Daniel breathes out, a question for Jihoon. The latter blinks, ignoring the way Daniel’s bottom lip juts out nicely and a short inch away from his skin.

 

Jihoon nods, “My birth month.”

 

“Let me guess…” Daniel hums. He finally lets go of the necklace, Jihoon finally lets go of the breath he has been withholding in. The stone is now warm against Jihoon’s skin from Daniel’s prolonged touch, he revels in it.

 

Daniel tilts his head at Jihoon, eyes brightening, “A Gemini?”

 

Jihoon chokes, his grip on the glass slightly shakes. “What?”

 

“You’re a Gemini!” Daniel now points a finger at him, looking _too_ satisfied at the way Jihoon reacts to his assumption. “I’m right? I am!”

 

Jihoon chuckles, chances another glance at the way Daniel is practically bouncing in his seat a few centimetres away on the couch and produces a full laugh. There’s something ultimately innocent and _adorable_ about how Daniel is resembling a puppy, a big, excited puppy that won’t give up. The wine is getting to him, he thinks as he doubles over, he’s imagining Daniel as a dog and his mind is whirling and whirling.

 

“Y-yeah,” Jihoon manages to answer when Daniel’s face falls into a slight frown, _still_ looking like a puppy, because he wouldn’t stop giggling at him. “I’m a Gemini. Hooray.”

 

“Reward me,” Daniel whispers into the air between them. His eyes are twinkling, maybe he’s drunk too. The wine bottle is getting suspiciously lighter and Jihoon’s glass keeps filling up by itself.

 

Jihoon looks at him, a stare boring into his eyes plainly, “I didn’t even ask you to guess. Why should I reward you?”

 

“Alright, don’t reward me!” Jihoon can hear the pout in Daniel’s voice. “Guess mine back.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Jihoon counters back, “What’s the most annoying sign?”

 

He feels the cushion against his cheek rather than seeing it coming as an attack. The impact pounds him back into the couch and thank goodness, the glass is on the table or else, Daniel would have to deal with a huge burgundy, wet patch on his rug and couch.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Guess.”

 

Groaning, Jihoon rolls his head to the side, watching Daniel closely. He scrunches his nose up in disgust, mostly joking when he says, “You stink of a fire sign.”

 

“You’re close.”

 

“Leo?”

 

“What? Why?” Daniel sounds offended, Jihoon glances and he _looks_ offended – eyes squinting at Jihoon like he doesn’t recognise him at all, lips pursed and the glass halfway to his lips, paused in horror.

 

“Are Leo’s that bad? They’re pretty okay to me…” Jihoon trails off, unsure because his knowledge on any fire sign is pretty much non-existent. Except that one time he tested out the theory of Aries signs being good in bed (it’s proven true).

 

The wine swirls around in the glass and Jihoon wants to bathe in it, he wants a warm bath with a sweet grape scent echoing in the waters, lathering his skin. He wants a bath drawn to cleanse every bit of his skin, the pain, the heartache, the feeling of being far from home and start anew. He dips a finger into his glass, staining the tip red and he stares, fascinated.

 

The dizziness begins.

 

Somewhere in the middle of Jihoon’s head breaking apart, he hears Daniel’s raspy voice, shocked and upset, “I’m a Sagittarius, stupid.”

 

“Ah, makes sense,” _it doesn’t_ but what he hears of Sagittarius signs isn’t pleasant so Jihoon doesn’t elaborate and merely sways, his head really spinning now.

 

He must’ve, kind of, maybe overestimated his alcohol tolerance and that’s how Jihoon finds himself swaying all the way to his right until his head falls on something soft, unlike the cushions but comfortable and warm and moving.

 

Jihoon turns over, his lips pressing into a spot of exposed skin but he doesn’t think, not at this time. “You know…” He is mumbling, babbling out words that don’t pass through his head properly to think through. Now, Jihoon’s lacking the filter for his mouth. “Sagittarius people are kinda hot. Maybe that’s where it works out for you.”

 

He feels his cushion shaking underneath and hears Daniel’s laughter, low and rumbling, _soothing_. “I didn’t really imagine a debate on astrological signs for our first proper meeting.”

 

The words barely register in Jihoon’s mind, they’re too much…his eyes are already closing and he feels utterly powerless; the exhaustion seeping into his bones tightly this time, pulling him under. It’s the alcohol, he thinks mildly, it’s everything.

 

“I can’t… I don’t understand what you said and I don’t care,” Jihoon sighs, mostly mumbling to himself, and wraps a hand around what he believes is a pillow. He’s met with more exposed skin but the warmth is so inviting, he just keeps falling.

 

Falling and falling.

 

Jihoon falls into a dreamless sleep for the first time in weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 “It hurts me to say that I fear you a bit.”  

 

 

Fear hardly seizes Jihoon, he’s quite a daring creature. He once pushed himself off the edge of a cliff into the raging waters and _lived_ in the adrenaline of the moment, so he is hardly the one to be scared of anything. Jihoon prides himself on it, but there’s a flaw in the system.

 

When it comes to the matters of the heart.

 

Jihoon is afraid.

 

So when Jihoon wakes up, sunlight burning against his eyelids, in an unfamiliar environment with bits and pieces of the night before, he does the one thing he’s best at; running away.

 

His head is cushioned against a soft plushie, when Jihoon slowly blinks the sleepy tears away, he realises it’s of a face of a grey cat. A smile instinctively pushes its way onto his face at the sight right until he sees that it’s on _someone’s lap._ Jihoon trails his eyes upwards to find Daniel dozing off to the side, arms propped against his head, leaned back into the couch.

 

Jihoon’s first thought is _that looks so uncomfortable, why is he doing this for me?_ As his gaze sharpens on the messy mop of hair, the red imprints on his arms, his legs propped against the table, his second thought comes tumbling in, repetitive in an even more worrisome, _why is he doing this for me?_

 

Daniel’s legs must be so numb, Jihoon sighs in mixed pity and guilt, as he picks the cat plushie off his lap and gingerly lifts Daniel’s head to lean against it. There’s a sudden movement, a jerk and Jihoon momentarily freezes but it’s a false alarm as Daniel eases into the pillow like it has been there the whole time. Jihoon lets out the breath he has been holding and realises that he’s a little too close to Daniel’s face when his breath ghosts over his cheeks.

 

His heart is beating so fast and Jihoon feels like he’s caught in a slow-motion film as his gaze rakes over Daniel’s features; the slope of his nose, the light flutter of his eyelashes as he dreams soundly, the natural pout of his lips. A shudder runs down Jihoon’s spine, his eyes lingering on Daniel’s lips. It builds a temptation in Jihoon to _touch._

 

To feel.

 

Immediately, Jihoon jerks backwards at the thought of it. His hand is caught mid-air and he piles on distance between him and Daniel as quickly as he can. The latter sleeps soundly, unaware and beautiful in dream. Jihoon stares, realising that he’s most likely running late for class by this point (he knows he’s skipping this time) and that he’s overstaying for no reason particularly.

 

His head starts to ache, the beginning of an inevitable hangover, and as hard as he try, Jihoon can’t summon the memory of last night back. All he remembers is sipping on the wine constantly and laughing and Daniel asking him _why do you do that to yourself?_

 

Jihoon never had an answer. He wishes he had one.

 

Locating his phone tucked into a corner of the couch, he grabs it, lighting the screen with a million of notifications from Woojin and some miscellaneous email alerts. A sigh escapes. It’s ten past eleven in the morning and it’s way too late for him to run down to his classes for the day. His fingers hover over the reply button and he discards the thought completely, opting for ignorance. Woojin can handle a day without Jihoon, it’s been done.

 

Jihoon slips away instead, a practiced skill attained from those late nights, soundlessly and effortlessly. He knows that if he stays a minute longer, he’d risk waking Daniel up and he would have to deal with the awkwardness. It’s not exactly what Jihoon wants to face. One of Daniel’s cats purr at his feet as he slowly walks towards the front door. Something tugs at his heartstrings and it’s the fact that he’s leaving without a note.

 

Daniel isn’t one of them, Jihoon tells himself as he scribbles something legible on an empty envelope, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like the rest. Crossing over, he tenses. Hesitates. Then, he places the envelope by the coffee table, hoping that Daniel reads his scrawny handwritten words and thinks nothing of it.

 

By the time Jihoon lightly closes the door behind his back, softening the impact of his departure, he’s regretting the words he wrote but his feet are already a step ahead.

 

At least now. Jihoon can pretend like last night was a dream, a rare nice escape once in a while.

 

_Daniel_

_I hope you slept well. If you’re reading this, I assume you managed to escape your relentless dreams. Last night was… lovely._

_Thank you for the wine and company._

_Jihoon_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The rope unravels before him but Jihoon runs away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Unknown [04:25pm]_

_hey its daniel_

_sry i didn’t manage to send u off properly i passed out later_

_i hope ure okay?_

_Unknown [10:08pm]_

_not to sound like a mother hen but u okay?_

_i hope ure not passed out somewhere_

_Unknown [12:04am]_

_…jihoon?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As nights blur together in an unfamiliar _yet_ oddly routinely mix of faces and bodies that aren’t meant to curl around him, Jihoon finds a kind of peace in running away. It takes the toll out of him, brings extra cash for his pocket money and most importantly…

 

It takes his mind off everything else.

 

Jihoon soon falls into an unhealthy rhythm of accepting calls from nightly partners and spending nights in different beds.

 

(His heart stills. Devoid of anything.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s only five past four in the afternoon but as Jihoon flits his eyes to the window overlooking the campus, the sky is darkened with a promise of a stormy evening ahead. The past few days have been cold, fall wasn’t kind with these storms and leaves swirling in the breeze of the rain.

 

Jihoon won’t complain, he likes tucking in his bedsheets and pretending that the storm is the reason keeping him indoors. The committee in charge of his dorm building hasn’t allocated a new roommate to his room and Jihoon is taking full advantage of the delay. It’s his second last year and a little overdue to be meeting new people in this huge campus.

 

Not to mention, storms are perfect for hiding from everyone.

 

Woojin has been leaving messages almost every day and Jihoon hasn’t found the strength yet to reply. He’s aware that he’s being an asshole but his mind is going through too many thoughts at once and Jihoon doesn’t exactly want to deal with anyone in the midst of it. His best friend just has to wait. As soon as Jihoon figures out that throwing himself into schoolwork and hiding from human civilisation aren’t helping him get over it, he’ll be back on his bullshit.

 

For now…

 

Kang Daniel.

 

And every thought revolving him.

 

Bits and pieces of the night would randomly spring up in Jihoon’s head and he’d cringe at how _giggly_ he was. Jihoon should’ve learnt his lesson; he has never been great at controlling his alcohol intake. The worst is that he can’t exactly remember what he had said to the latter and that scares him the most because Jihoon isn’t really a secretive person while drunk (Woojin is constantly wary of it when they go out drinking together) so he can’t imagine what he told Daniel.

 

He can only hope that staying away makes Daniel forget.

 

But staying away on his part doesn’t make _him_ forget about the tall, cheery man. It’s hard to when all Jihoon thinks of Daniel’s smile and how it stretches all the way to his eyes, nose crinkled in amusement.

 

Jihoon’s head hits the study desk, atop of his open and neglected books. His phone starts ringing once again and without properly thinking, he grabs it and answers the call with a grunted, “ _Hello_.”

 

He’s mostly expecting the call from that young businessman asking for another night in the suburbs but when the voice goes through from the other end, his spine is straightened and Jihoon realises that he fucked up. _As usual._

 

“Jihoon.”

 

At the plain mention of his name, Jihoon feels more painfully awake and that’s _Woojin_ unmistakably with his raspy voice and not at all any of his clients. Jihoon pulls the phone away to look at the caller ID and curses himself inwardly for being so fucking stupid. There goes all his efforts of ignoring the latter for the past one week and a half.

 

“Oh hey! Sorry, I’m actually in the library and you know… we can’t talk but! I’ll call you later. By–”

 

“We both know you’re not fucking going to so cut to the chase and tell me what’s going on,” Jihoon winces at how sharp Woojin sounds. It’s almost like the latter senses it and softens with more concern seeping through his voice. “Do you have any idea how worried I am? Did something happen?”

 

Jihoon laughs, sad and relieved slightly because Woojin doesn’t sound as mad as he envisions. “Nothing happened. You’re worrying for nothing.”

 

“It’s not for nothing!” Woojin snaps on the other end. “You could easily get kidnapped by one of your rich ass clients and I wouldn’t know anything!” Jihoon chuckles at the wild assumption and Woojin exhales in exasperation. “Don’t laugh! It’s rational.”

 

“Maybe,” Jihoon humours him. Suddenly, the tension between them floats away like it never existed and that’s what Jihoon treasures the most with Woojin; the simplicity. “You sure you’re not like… really angry at me?”

 

Woojin sighs, “I hate you undoubtedly but I’m more relieved than angry.” Jihoon hears Woojin clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, a habit he does when his best friend is being the stupid headass he is.

 

“Now that you’re alive and well, will you please answer to a certain Kang Daniel?”

 

Jihoon tenses. All over. Daniel’s name rings in his ears and he can almost imagine the question marks running around Woojin’s head, depending on how much the former told him but despite knowing Daniel briefly, Jihoon’s fully aware of his lack of filtering out words and keeping things to himself.

 

Thus, the abashment floods to his cheeks immediately at the thought of Woojin knowing as well. He inwardly groans, he’s swearing off alcohol as long as he lives.

 

“What did he say to you?” Jihoon asks slowly, enunciating every word.

 

“Nothing?” Woojin sounds confused and it perplexes Jihoon further. “He just asked if you regularly look at text messages and the dude blushed so hard when I asked him how he got your number. Regardless, text the poor guy back, he seems concerned for some reason.”

 

Jihoon bites his lip, the guilt washing over him. He _had_ been getting text messages from an unknown number, _hey it’s daniel, you alright?_ He remembers skipping past them once he realised it’s Daniel and his heart started beating too fast to comprehend a single thought.

 

“I’ll come over soon,” Jihoon shouldn’t care and if Woojin noticed that he completely ignored everything he said, he doesn’t say. “Steal your expensive water and sleep on your couch like old times.”

 

Woojin laughs, “Do that, brat. I miss you.”

 

There’s a lump in Jihoon’s throat but he smiles when he replies, “Miss you too, Park.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the fourth time that makes Jihoon question his fate, the universe and his terrible luck of bumping into Kang Daniel.

 

It’s a Friday evening, the sky is turning pink, a sunset blossoming near. Jihoon feels disoriented mostly from going through a class presentation and rushing back to the dorm for a quick change of clothes for his appointment at seven. He’s cutting through the crowd, feet light against the pavement, and running towards the apartment building, an address his client sent him. It’s changed every week and Jihoon can’t keep up with him and his strong need for secrecy but he is barely in any position to voice any complaint when his bank account is filled with his client’s cheques.

 

Jihoon manages to chase for that elevator right when it’s about to close. His shoulder sag in relief when he succeeds at catching the elevator. When the doors part due to his interruption, Jihoon is hit by the painful sense of déjà vu as his relieved smile falls at the sight of a smartly dressed man with his tie loosened slightly, a stubborn strand of brown hair astray from his slicked hairdo.

 

His surprise is mirrored on the man’s face and Jihoon barely notices the kid hugging onto the man’s wrist until she whines, “Why did it stop? Why are we not going up?” with her gaze shifting from Jihoon to the man in confusion.

 

It all feels oddly familiar yet perplexing. Daniel drops his gaze to the kid, a soft smile spreading on his lips, “Be patient, Yena.”

 

The little girl huffs in obvious annoyance. Daniel looks up once more but with a raised eyebrow at Jihoon as he stands right at the spot where the doors close, automatically forcing them open. Jihoon can barely feel his legs but he somehow moves forward. The little girl’s grip tightens on Daniel’s wrist, Jihoon oddly observes, and instead of letting it be, Daniel moves her hand to wrap around his, where his hand entirely envelopes hers.

 

He presses on the floor number and lets the elevator takes its course upwards.

 

As much as Jihoon tries not to, his eyes betray him, straying constantly to his peripheral vision where Daniel stands with the little girl, their intertwined hands swinging along to the melody of her soft humming. The man in question looks unbothered, all remnants of the shock earlier erased. Jihoon wonders if it has become normal to bump into him.

 

Then, he realises that maybe this happens a little too often.

 

“How are you?” Daniel asks and it causes Jihoon to jump slightly from the shock of the sudden question. A chuckle leaves Daniel’s lips at the reaction and he muses, “Didn’t mean to scare you there.”

 

Jihoon’s gaze flickers to the little girl next to Daniel and sees that she barely cares about the two men standing in obvious awkwardness (or it is on Jihoon’s end).

 

Is this the universe just purely playing with Jihoon for all the sins he had committed? Is this the universe exploiting his fears _or his desires?_

 

“I’m okay,” Jihoon simply answers.

 

He can feel Daniel’s stare burning into the side of his neck and he can tell that the latter is holding back on his questioning because he sees him nodding in retaliation and looking away. A sigh softly escapes his lips.

 

Other than the tension, Jihoon finds himself constantly turning to his side to take a peek at Daniel in his white button-down which is nicely stretched over his broad frame, emphasising his wide shoulders, and navy trousers that hugged his waist just well enough to be appropriate as smart casual. Jihoon is mostly taken away by how Daniel’s frame looks effortlessly _decent_ in this sort of style and he remembers only seeing the former dressed in hoodies and baggy clothing. As soon as those thoughts begin, he curses himself even more.

 

 _Stop thinking about him._ Jihoon scolds himself inwardly as his eyes rake Daniel’s body once more. _Stop._

Jihoon starts to wish for indulgence but he hits himself in his mind, _you ignored his texts, you brought it upon yourself._

 

Yet as much as he wants to deny, Jihoon can’t let go of the pull he feels towards Daniel and his stupidly dazzling smile that haunts him when he’s at his vulnerable.

 

“You’re staring,” Daniel states bluntly and it’s enough to make Jihoon jerk backwards once more, his thoughts halting all at once. Jihoon wonders in mild panic if his face expresses any sort of giveaway. There’s an amused smile on Daniel’s face and when Jihoon delves deeper, it’s mixed with smugness. Daniel turns to the little girl – Yena, “Right? Isn’t he staring too much?”

 

Yena shrugs, swinging their hands forward, “Maaaaaybe?” She drags the syllables, joining Daniel on the teasing, sharing a smile with the former. Jihoon feels betrayed by a kid, of everyone, he’s being set on fire because of a kid. And he can’t believe it.

 

Before Jihoon could even jump in to defend himself, Yena points at him with her free hand and directs his gaze towards her hand in Daniel’s. “Maybe he wants to hold hands with you?” Her eyes are twinkling when she asks Jihoon straightforwardly, “You want to, right?”

 

She hugs Daniel’s hand against her cheek, “It’s warm…are you cold?”

 

Heat flushes his cheeks in soft crimson, the tips of his ears are reddened from the abashment. Jihoon’s lips part, speechless at her gutsy words but then again, he shouldn’t get so bothered over a …roughly six year old girl’s speculation. It just hits him that maybe she is right and that he had been staring at their hands for too long and maybe…just maybe, something akin to wanting grew in him. He’d never admit it out loud though so he merely laughs it off, clearly so embarrassed.

 

Just like that, the tension is eased and Jihoon forgets about the awkwardness. He feels the comfort seeping into his bones, the comfort that supposedly exists with Daniel, and he is reassured by it even more at the glint of something more in Daniel’s eyes.

 

“Are you like… her babysitter?” Jihoon asks. Daniel looks slightly surprised at the prompt of a conversation.

 

Daniel laughs softly, shaking his head, “No. I’m her kindergarten teacher.” At the expression of incredulity on Jihoon’s face, he mocks offence, eyes feigning hurt, “Do I not look capable of teaching and nurturing children? I’m wounded.”

 

“I didn’t say a thing!” Jihoon colours even more. Soon, he’d resemble a tomato. “I’m just surprised…it doesn’t seem like you.”

 

Daniel winks shamelessly and Jihoon hates every bit of it. “There’s so much you don’t know about me, Park Jihoon.”

 

The elevator dings, stopping at level twelve. Jihoon looks up, not recognising the number. Then, he sees Daniel tugging on Yena’s little curled up hand to propel her forward with small steps. Yena waves at him, all smiley when she says a polite goodbye. Daniel beams at her before turning around to settle into a small, soft smile directed only at Jihoon.

 

“See you around?” There’s hope in Daniel’s eyes once more and Jihoon usually kills it. He’s used to squashing hope between his fingertips but.

 

“Even if I don’t want to, I can’t help it,” Jihoon jokes and Daniel’s smile grows. “Have a good night, Daniel.”

 

The doors are already closing but Jihoon catches Daniel flitting his eyes upwards to gaze at the floor number, probably wondering where Jihoon’s landing on. Then, Jihoon watches how Daniel’s expression turns from _knowing_ to an expression that he can’t decipher and Daniel says, “Take care of yourself.”

 

The elevator doors close and it moves upwards and Jihoon finds himself thinking that he _can’t._ It isn’t a lie this time, a lie that he said to Woojin a million times.

 

_I can’t._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Can you?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The fifth time, Jihoon sees Daniel right before he leaves for something at the crack of dawn, sun rising in the horizon. This time, he doesn’t question fate, the universe or his luck.

 

He thanks them.

 

His hair feels greasy but this time, he isn’t running away, he’s going somewhere as well, the first lecture of the day. Woojin’s woody scent leaves imprints on Jihoon’s clothes and while he jokes about the smell, Jihoon misses it sometimes and rubs his nose into his pillow (stolen from Woojin right before he left) to remember. One of the many things he’d never admit out loud to his best friend.

 

It’s been a while and his phone is empty surprisingly for a week straight already. Exams are upcoming and Jihoon (read: kindly) told his clients off that while the money (and sex) is good, his education requires his full attention this time round.

 

Which explains the bags under his eyes.

 

Jihoon’s barely awake as he walks down the corridor, it _is_ too early for his brain to function properly. He feels like a zombie, running on redbull and Woojin’s nagging. That’s when he doesn’t register someone calling his name from the other end. He turns around mostly on instinct, mind whirling and thinking that it’s Woojin telling him that he forgot something important. When Jihoon’s eyes open to properly focus on the source of the voice, his breath halts.

 

“Well, I guess I _do_ see you around after all.”

 

Daniel’s smile is blinding, too blinding for seven in the morning and it renders Jihoon slightly breathless. He stops in his tracks and merely stares as Daniel saunters over to him, a couple of folders clutched in his hold. His smile remains, unflinching.

 

Jihoon’s throat is dry but he answers, “Off to the kindergarten?”

 

Daniel nods, “And you’re off to class?”

 

Jihoon mirrors the nod, biting on the inside of his cheek as his gaze falls over Daniel’s long-legged frame. He rather see the man in his baggy clothes than the smart casual uniform he dons strictly for work. His mind is still whirling and it is worsening at Daniel’s presence within his proximity.

 

“Are you…” Daniel hesitates. Jihoon watches as the former runs the words over his tongue a few times before asking in a single breath. “Are you free for lunch later?”

 

“Are you asking me out?” Jihoon blurts out. Then, he kicks himself inwardly for it as Daniel laughs at him.

 

Daniel smiles shyly, eyes glinting in the rays of sunlight peeking out, “Maybe?”

 

Jihoon hums and his heart feels like it will never stop beating this fast. He walks backwards, pretending to contemplate. Daniel’s face falls, a look of confusion taking over and Jihoon resists the urge to laugh at him. He feels the upper hand and runs along with it.

 

Towards the hope in Daniel’s gaze.

 

“Oh,” Jihoon simply says. Daniel’s eyebrow cocks upwards questioningly. Jihoon smiles cheekily.

 

“I’ll see you around, then,” he continues in a teasing lilt, his words dripping of the answer Daniel had been seeking for and the smile after the realisation spreads wide on Daniel’s face. It’s contagious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon was sixteen when he first kissed a boy.

 

It shattered everything in his life _and_ fixed the puzzle that had been boggling his head. He felt complete and broken at the same time, the fear wrecking his thoughts but his hand crawling upwards to cup the boy’s jaw said otherwise.

 

The kiss was Jihoon’s first and last… for a while.

 

He pushed himself onto girls and they were pretty, so _lovely_ but half the time, Jihoon feared breaking them, hated the lies he spouted to them and himself. He stared at boys even more when his hand was curled around a girl’s waist, his eyes blazing with a mix of envy and want.

 

Fuck it, once the year ended, he came out to his best friend (Woojin had laughed and said it was too obvious to not notice his thirst) and Jihoon had never felt more free.

 

Except the fear still resided in him.

 

And it grows in waves of delusions that Jihoon can’t control.

 

There’s ghosts living in his heart, voices that’ll remind him of things that he can _never_ be, things that he is incapable of doing because of the empty shell living in his ribcage. Jihoon places a hand over his heart, alive and _breathing_ unlike what he thinks, and it’s beating rapidly due to the fear of never being able to give enough.

 

Fear of never loving enough.

 

It cripples him when he can’t say the three words back, when he revolts backwards at the _sound_ of it, when he’s filled with guilt instead

 

 _You must be hard to love,_ his mother slurred with alcohol staining his breath. Jihoon had been eighteen, heartbroken, a heartbreaker, lost. There was tears threatening to spill down his cheeks but he choked them back and cleaned his mother’s mess for the millionth time.

 

 _You deserve to be loved and pampered,_ the men say every time they find refuge in Jihoon’s body and presence. Usually Jihoon waves it off but sometimes, the words strike a chord in him, breaking another piece of his heart and he’d tighten his grip, clenching his eyes shut and letting off a fake moan to drive the men away from the matters of his heart. It’s a constant ache living in him as Jihoon indulges in the false assurance these people give him, the limited love and care they provide to him, no matter how poisonous and materialistic it is.

 

Jihoon is never a good judge when it comes to himself. He takes whatever he can while giving as little as he can.

 

 _Selfish,_ Jinyoung once spat out in tear-stained anger and Jihoon recoiled from him in shock. He had no defence and Jinyoung looked even more disappointed to see Jihoon giving in to the insult, the plain pity on his face when he realised that Jihoon can’t love back no matter how much he gives.

 

Jihoon is nineteen, going on twenty when he masters the art of shielding the true nature of his art and running away.

 

He is nineteen, going on twenty when Kang Daniel shows up, fated, ill-fated, unnecessarily, insistently, and threatens to break every resolve he had.


	2. to the burnt out smoke congesting my heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol......hello
> 
> i know i know you can beat me up over it in the comments but i would like to apologise for taking so long with this. as u can see, i wrote So Much and i'm still invested in the idea of this fic so no i won't abandon it. i just might take a while to finish.
> 
> if there's any errors, i'm also sorry because i did my best to edit this. i hold no knowledge of the spider-man game i really don't know video games but my boys do and i gotta keep it alive here alright
> 
> okay..... have fun tell me if it sucks x

 

There’s a sort of serenity that he finds in watching the wintry wind rustle the weakened tree branches, shaking off the remnants of the snow from the previous night, and the streets buzz with people fighting through the cold in padded down coats and scarves.

 

He becomes engrossed, eyes fixated on the scene beyond the coffee shop window, with his fingernail tucked under a few ripped threads of his jeans. It’s a bad habit, Daniel finds, that he can’t stop. Sometimes he scratches too much and his finger comes off bloody with red stains on the loose threads which he rubs out with soap back home. But he does it idly, subconsciously and sometimes it goes too far without him knowing.

 

“Stop that!” a loud smack resonates in the usually quaint and slow-going coffee shop. Daniel winces and jerks backwards in shock. There’s a tinge of redness on his hand, the one playing with the threads of his ripped jeans.

 

He looks up to glare at the interrupter as he settles down across him in his light beige uniform to pair with the red apron donned on the front.

 

Daniel pouts, hugging his hand to his chest, “You didn’t have to be so violent!”

 

His (unfortunate) close friend, Jaehwan shakes his head at him in disappointment. “No can do. Your mom specifically told me to hit you if you’re ever caught doing that stupid habit of yours. I’m just following orders.”

 

Daniel rolls his eyes with a mix of exasperation and adoration for his mother and her dramatic antics. Trust her to instruct his friends to keep an eye on him in such odd ways. He can imagine that they report back to her about his wellbeing which is somewhat insulting because he has proven to be extremely independent out here in the lonely city of Seoul.

 

And everything’s fine.

 

Jaehwan had somehow taken the job seriously, nit-picking at everything Daniel does over his shoulder ever since practically forever (truthfully: high school).

 

“I’m cutting you off from my life,” Daniel threatens mockingly.

 

Jaehwan points a finger at him accusingly, “You always say that but I’m still here.” Daniel chuckles as Jaehwan continues, eyes flitting around the coffee shop. “Anyway, where’s your boyfriend? Haven’t you been waiting a while now?”

 

“Shush!” Daniel’s eyes widen. “Don’t say that. We’re just friends.”

 

“Do you get this nervous meeting friends?” Jaehwan chides lightly. He pulls Daniel’s mug towards him, takes a swift glance at the contents and, “I’ll refill your drink. Hopefully I can take a look at this guy you’ve been blushing about.”

 

Daniel’s cheeks burn instinctively and before he could protest, Jaehwan is already taking his mug and leaving him alone in the booth. He feels a little too tired to correct his friend anymore. Maybe he had been talking about Jihoon a lot in the group chat and maybe…just maybe this curiosity surrounding Jihoon precedes just that but it’s too early to determine anything. His friends had been teasing him non-stop, it’s a bit known that Daniel falls quite too easily for people.

 

Though, Daniel _is_ genuine in his desire to befriend the former and it seems that that’s all he can receive as well.

 

His mind reverts back to the time he saw Jihoon in the elevator, clearly going for another one of his nightly jobs. The way Jihoon’s face sags in obvious exhaustion, it makes Daniel wonder how long has it been going on for, how long does he need it for.

 

How long till he breaks.

 

Daniel is rarely a good judge of character, he practically befriends any living thing, so when a red light clicks off in his mind at the sight of Park Jihoon, Daniel does what he’s best at; ignoring it.

 

Someone lightly taps against the table, catching Daniel’s attention. His gaze flits upwards, mostly expecting Jaehwan back with his cup of coffee but his breath is knocked out unexpectedly at the sight of Jihoon with bits of snow stuck to his hair, cheeks flushed from the cold. There’s a hint of a smile beneath the white scarf Jihoon wrapped around his neck and Daniel feels utterly frozen like he had been the one outside in the winter.

 

“Sorry for making you wait,” Jihoon apologises as he takes a seat across Daniel in the booth. He unfurls the scarf till it hangs loosely around his neck. “I wanted to text but it’s so fucking cold out and my fingers were freezing.”

 

Sure enough, Daniel’s eyes fall to Jihoon’s whitened knuckles. Without properly thinking, he reaches forward, wrapping his hands around Jihoon’s, rubbing across the brittle bones. His skin is cold to touch and Daniel shivers at first, slowly easing into breathing warmth to ease the uncomfortable cold. He barely registers Jihoon’s tension but it slips away, leaning into Daniel’s touch as well.

 

Once Daniel’s mind catches on, his eyes widen in shock and he’s blabbering an apology, hands drifting away in muted horror, “I’m _sor_ —”

 

“No,” Jihoon stops him and Daniel does just that. His eyes are earnest, Daniel’s breath falters for a second or two, as he says, “Thanks. That helped.”

 

Daniel nods, his throat is dry and his hands feel too empty suddenly. He watches how Jihoon fiddles with his thumbs, eyes everywhere else except Daniel.

 

“Are you uncomfortable with me?” Daniel asks, and he honestly _wonders_. The question catches Jihoon off guard clearly as he immediately freezes and looks up at Daniel, questioning back with a confused expression like he isn’t sure if Daniel asked right.

 

But he did and he’s afraid.

 

“Oh… _oh_ , you’re really asking that.” Daniel blinks at that and there’s a hint of a smile at the corner of Jihoon’s mouth. “I’m far from that, though.”

 

Daniel stops Jihoon, realising something else. “Before you continue, want a hot cup of coffee?” There’s perplexity once more on Jihoon’s face. “My friend makes a mean cup of hot chocolate if you hate coffee.”

 

“You’re really weird, Daniel,” Jihoon says and Daniel likes it. He likes the way his name forms on Jihoon’s tongue, the way it curls nicely around the syllables, the pronunciation sounding richer than any other times he’s heard his name before. Jihoon considers, tapping his fingers against the tabletop, “I’ll take the hot chocolate then.”

 

“Jaehwan!” Daniel shouts, shocking Jihoon as a faint ‘yes?’ returns as an answer. “He’d like a hot chocolate!”

 

The barista pops his head out from the kitchen and shows a thumbs up before his gaze lands on Jihoon and he waves enthusiastically at him. Daniel watches the way surprise forms on his face before merging into a shy expression and a small smile in return.

 

“Is that your friend?”

 

Daniel nods, taking a sip from his own cup of coffee. It’s warm, hugging his insides. The one thing Jaehwan can do is make a mean cup of coffee and he’s the only one he trusts to make it sweet enough for his taste. “Yeah, he’s one of my close friends.”

 

“Don’t worry, I won’t poison you,” a voice speaks up suddenly by their table and they both look up to see Jaehwan placing a mug in front of Jihoon. He points at Daniel, lowering his voice down, “Him, however, I can’t say.”

 

Daniel smacks Jaehwan’s sides with the back of his hand but it’s lost in the laughter, eyes crinkling in amusement. “Do your job!”

 

Jaehwan winks at Daniel with a teasing smile that all Daniel wants to do is slap it off _harder._ “I am.”

 

Jihoon chuckles which earns a satisfying smirk on Jaehwan’s end, encouraging him further, “Well lovebirds, have a good one!”

 

Before Daniel could even correct him, Jaehwan strides away and he turns to see Jihoon’s expression. It’s unreadable and his eyes are shiny, glistening with something that Daniel can’t comprehend.

 

He watches the way Jihoon’s gaze drops to his mug and he takes a sip, testing the waters, and recoils at the heat. A smile instinctively grows on Daniel’s lips at the adorable expression Jihoon makes, with his tongue stuck out. Jihoon looks up mid-panting and freezes at Daniel’s stare, a crimson blush peppering his cheeks almost immediately in abashment.

 

Daniel clears his throat, his gaze straying away to the window when he remembers his question earlier and most importantly, Jihoon’s answer.

 

“So…” Daniel starts and he tries to keep his voice levelled, clear of any hope he has bubbling in him. “You’re not uncomfortable with me?”

 

There’s a beat of silence and Daniel lets it roll by, noticing the way Jihoon avoids his gaze, twiddling with his thumbs instead.

 

“I… it’s quite the opposite really,” Jihoon confesses. The pop music starts to melt away and all Daniel can focus on is the honesty of Jihoon’s words. “I’m too comfortable with you and I’m scared because…”

 

“I don’t know what you want from me.”

 

The bluntness of Jihoon’s words hit Daniel like a brick, settling heavily in his heart.

 

Jihoon goes on, “Usually people say that they want… _something_ and I can figure it out but I can’t figure you out.”

 

His cheeks slightly redden, he wraps his fingers around the cup tighter. _Cute_ , Daniel thinks, noticing that the former is getting nervous. Jihoon forces out a laugh, realising that maybe he must’ve said something so honest, he apologises quickly, “Sorry. You didn’t have to know that.”

 

“Jihoon,” Daniel starts, leaning forward in his seat to lightly touch Jihoon’s clenched fist. The touch startles him, making him look at Daniel with an apprehensive look. Daniel smiles softly, “I could never take advantage of you like that.”

 

Daniel tilts his head, his smile developing into a grin. “I merely want friendship, is that okay with you?”

 

A nervous chuckle, Jihoon finally smiles and it’s as pretty as Daniel remembered. The tension leaves Jihoon almost immediately as he loosens his fists. There’s that teasing lilt to his voice that Daniel recalls from their first encounter, the man he would’ve never thought to be sitting across him casually in a coffee shop.

 

“Aren’t we already friends?”

 

Daniel raises an eyebrow, “If we are then…” His eyes are glazing with mischief now, leaning his cheek against the palm of his hand. “May I ask you five questions?”

 

“What are we? Middle schoolers?” Jihoon laughs, but he sees that Daniel’s actually serious. He points a finger at Daniel in mock accusation, pouting a little. “Don’t you know enough? I didn’t even know you were a kindergarten teacher.”

 

Daniel chuckles, apologising, “Alright. It’ll go both ways then?”

 

“Why?”

 

Jihoon is curious. Hesitant. There’s caution in his gaze as he tries to read Daniel as discreetly but Daniel _knows_ and he’s observant enough to figure out all the sensitive points in Jihoon’s heart, the secrets he wants to bury inside. Daniel doesn’t even want to dig them out, no, he just wants to find the truest form of Jihoon.

 

And make him smile.

 

As Daniel stares at the smile on Jihoon’s lips, where the corners are slightly drooping in fear of Daniel’s intentions, he wonders how uncommon it is for Jihoon to smile that wide naturally on a daily basis. How painful it is to keep it away, to keep a fake one at bay, to pretend.

 

“For our friendship, of course,” Daniel says and his smile is gentle, reaching up to his eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“He seems like a nice boy,” Jaehwan slides into the seat across Daniel, apron wrinkled and there’s a bit of chocolate at the corner of his lips. “Shy, cute and small. Your type.”

 

 _What is his type?_ Daniel wants to ask because he’s clueless and he’s unsure of how he got here in the first place. He ran through so many down the block and yet, it isn’t clear to him so how do people know?

 

Daniel hasn’t been able to move since Jihoon left, claiming that he’s only got fifteen minutes to run back to college for his last lecture of the day. He wanted to convince the latter to stay, skip the class to go to a nearby park or visit a museum or _something_ to keep him near but Daniel tells himself that that’s selfish and that’s not what Jihoon needed.

 

“We’re just friends,” Daniel says, mostly to himself, a casual reminder now and then. He looks up from his mostly empty mug and sees the look of disbelief on Jaehwan’s face.

 

He snorts, “I know you too well and I know that you’re lying.” Daniel parts his lips to protest but Jaehwan beats him to it, sighing, “When are you going to stop trying to save every broken, pretty boy?”

 

Daniel tenses, stumped. His hands leave the mug and find each other instead, intertwining with whitened knuckles. He doesn’t need this reminder from Jaehwan out of all people, he doesn’t need _anything_.

 

The silence from Daniel is stifling enough and Jaehwan lets out another sigh, resigned over his best friend. It’s not like it’s the first time to hear such chiding from him, Daniel is just trying to be immune to it. Trying.

 

Because this time, it’s different. It’s not the same thing over and over again.

 

He feels Jaehwan patting him on the shoulder, a gesture meant to be comforting but all Daniel feels is emptiness, a rock hard wall covering up his heart. He looks up to see Jaehwan staring at him with a pitiful smile.

 

“Take care of yourself, Niel. Don’t be a stranger,” Jaehwan says and exits out of the booth to attend to his duties at the coffee shop.

 

Daniel is left once again with his thoughts. He shifts his gaze to the window to see that the serenity he found in the falling snowflakes from the tree branches is replaced with a humming tension underneath his veins, an urge to seek refuge elsewhere. He doesn’t want to dwell on it too much so he says his goodbyes to Jaehwan, to the lone mug of coffee on the table that he couldn’t finish, to the quaint atmosphere of the coffee shop.

 

 Jaehwan is wrong because the only broken boy Daniel’s trying to save this time is himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At odd timings, Daniel gets a text message from him.

 

It’s concerning in the beginning when Daniel rolls over in his bed to hear his phone going off with multiple text messages. He groans, reaching for his phone and fully expecting the group chat of his friends to fill his entire phone screen annoyingly at two in the morning.

 

Daniel rubs at his eyes raw, thinking that his vision is betraying him, that he’s somehow lucid dreaming awake, but the phone screen remains bright and gleaming and it says, _Jihoon._

 

jihoon [02:04]

_hey_

_what are u doin?_

_sorry just realised that its rly late so dont bother replying if ure asleep_

daniel [02:06]

_its fine im not asleep_

_i was just watching stranger things_

_what are u doing awake still_

Daniel stares at the screen, biting down on his bottom lip. He hesitates, a question forming in his mind, but he stops himself. If Jihoon wants to tell him, he will, Daniel decides so he opts for waiting on the side lines. The typing bubble still hasn’t popped up and he realises that Jihoon probably switched the option to show read messages off. Thus, Daniel stays in the unknown, locking his phone and forcing himself to not obsess over it.

 

They have been meeting. Somehow. Daniel would ask Jihoon out randomly to get coffee and he finds out once he settles down at the coffee shop that Jihoon only agrees to these meetups to finish his schoolwork.

 

“I can barely concentrate in the dorms ever since Woojin moved out,” Jihoon confessed, pulling out his textbooks and piling them on top of the table. “So, I should thank you for getting me out.”

 

Daniel cheered to that with a tilt of his mug and a smile broke out on Jihoon’s face, contagious and blinding against the wintry afternoon.

 

He started to bring his own school papers to mark and do reports whilst accompanying Jihoon in the productive silence.

 

The first few times were a little stuffy and Daniel pointed a red pen at Jihoon in a chiding tone, “Take it easy, Jihoon.” The latter shrunk back into his seat in surprise. “You don’t have to tiptoe around me. Aren’t we friends?”

 

Jihoon bit his lip, nodded and exhaled a sigh. Daniel thought that it wouldn’t work but their conversations flowed easier, _natural_ and Daniel found the Jihoon he had been infatuated with on their first meeting.

 

In the beginning, Daniel kept asking to meet at Jaehwan’s coffee shop since it was close to campus for Jihoon and it was familiar, comfy and Jaehwan knew his order from the back of his head. But then, Jaehwan wouldn’t stop teasing the both of them, sliding in off-handed remarks that make Jihoon blush into the palm of his hand and cause Daniel to throw a biscuit at Jaehwan’s face.

 

Jihoon probably felt the same frustration as Daniel because he suggested a list of coffee shops surrounding the area and it led the both of them into an impromptu activity of café hopping through the list.

 

Daniel found the first café too young for his taste, serving overly sweetened coffee and the décor was a pastel galaxy dream that could only be curated by a hipster blogger at some point. He pursed his lips at the first sip of his coffee, the artificial sweetness shooting a migraine straight to his head. He was just about to comment on the terrible coffee to Jihoon when his gaze fell upon him sipping enthusiastically on his drink.

 

Jihoon’s eyes glittered, meeting Daniel’s, “Aren’t they so good?” He put his drink away and pried a textbook open happily. “I’m going to come here before class every day.”

 

Daniel muffled his laughter, pressing his lips tightly. He bit back his remark and nodded mutely along with Jihoon. Then, he filed away this fact of Jihoon to keep for future use.

 

They were three cafés into the list when Daniel found the best americano he has ever drunk and Jihoon started to talk to him, bringing up their first proper meeting.

 

“You still haven’t asked me any question, yet,” Jihoon said as he highlighted a phrase on his textbook, idly mouthing at the top of the yellow highlighter. His gaze drifted upwards to catch Daniel’s eyes, “It’s a bit unnerving to wait.”

 

Daniel chuckled, putting down his red-inked pen. “I haven’t actually thought of any.”

 

Jihoon pursed his lips, crinkling  his nose further. “I thought you had a list of questions ready when you brought up that idea. I didn’t know you were unprepared.”

 

“Why, do you have a question prepared for me?”

 

Daniel had an eyebrow cocked and Jihoon stared for a few beats before dropping his gaze to his textbook. Daniel knows that he wasn’t really paying attention to the text. Jihoon lightly hovered his finger over the highlighted area, seemingly deep in thought.

 

His voice sounded far away when he asked, “Why me?”

 

Daniel had parted his lips, and then closing. Thinking of the right thing to say. Jihoon’s expression was expectant, eyes wide with curiosity. Daniel’s fingers teether on the edge of the table, tapping along the line, and when he had an appropriate answer ready, he was interrupted by a call ringing through the air.

 

They both turned to their phones and after seeing that Daniel didn’t have any incoming call, he looked at Jihoon’s and saw an unknown number calling. Jihoon’s eyes darkened and he hastily grabbed his phone away from Daniel’s sight, holding it close to his chest.

 

“I better take this,” was all Jihoon said before excusing himself and dashing out of his seat.

 

He ended up going outside to take the call and Daniel watched as he shifted on his heels, looking more and more dreary with every second that passed. The lump that was in Daniel’s throat grew and it hurt to take a breath. Taking a sip of his coffee, Daniel tried to exhale slowly, eyes fixated on the way Jihoon nervously played with the sleeve of his sweater, lip bitten down tensely.

 

When Jihoon came back, it was no surprise to Daniel that he had to go but this time, he didn’t say it was another lecture he had to catch which was always the case. This time round, Jihoon merely apologised and meekly uttered a goodbye before gathering his stuff and walking away with his shoulders slumped forward. And Daniel watched silently, his fingers urging to reach outwards to curl around Jihoon’s shoulder and forcefully stop him from leaving.

 

Leaving to another bed, another sleepless night, another ghost.

 

As Daniel sat back in his seat, still twirling the straw in his cup of americano, he realised that he didn’t manage to tell Jihoon his answer.

 

A ping brings Daniel out of his memory, head spinning on the thought of Jihoon that day. He glances at his phone and sees a reply from Jihoon.

 

jihoon [02:15]

_ure such a nerd_

_sflr tho i was trying to get a cab home_

_now im home n i cant sleep_

daniel [02:15]

_says the one who idolises haikyuu_

_pls dont forget that i saw ur laptop wallpaper_

_oh_

_at least u got home safely_

_drink some warm tea and cuddle up in blankets_

Daniel feels it again; something crawling up his heart, clenching around it, making it hard for him to breathe, to take any of this in. There’s a question in the air but he refuses to ask it and he can tell by the way Jihoon replies, he doesn’t want to answer either. He wants to avoid it at all cost if possible and Daniel is not that terrible to poke at him for answers just to satiate his ugly, ugly curious mind at two in the morning.

 

It doesn’t stop Daniel from thinking however and overthinking too. He sees Jihoon running out of someone’s apartment, buttons wrongly sealed, strands of hair sticking out. Daniel sees Jihoon impatiently tapping his foot against the marbled floor, waiting for the elevator to escape from the remnants of his night. And when the elevator doors close on him, Jihoon is fixing his hair in the reflective surface of the walls.

 

Just like the first time they met.

 

Daniel groans, falling back into his bed, head hitting the pillows with a soft thud. He closes his eyes, clenching his fists, pushing away all these thoughts, these feelings. It doesn’t do him any good to ponder on something that is completely out of the question, to hope for it, to yearn for it. Daniel had made a different kind of promise and he’ll stick to it.

 

 _Why me?_ The question echoes in Daniel’s head, the menacing whisper of the night causing him to lose sleep. He reaches over to snap his laptop shut, cutting off the rerun of Stranger Things. He doesn’t get another notification from Jihoon and he thinks, _good, he should be sleeping._ As Daniel should too but his mind wanders to the darkest pits, pulling his vulnerability to the front door.

 

 _Because,_ Daniel thinks softly into the pandemonium of his head now, cutting off the torturous repeat of Jihoon’s question, _of your eyes._

_They’re so promising, so enchanting and they’re so sad. I want to light them up._

_Light up your eyes and reveal the galaxy within._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _I want you_ , the confession is loud in the starry night and a twinkle of hope grows in Daniel’s heart but he hears something else too.

 

Hesitation.

 

And when he’s embraced, arms around him, Daniel doesn’t feel the warmth that’s meant to emanate off him. He only feels the plain icy chills running down his spine, reminding him once more that he’s never deserving enough to feel wanted and loved.

 

He’s just a toy to play with, to feel special for a while, to be discarded once they’ve gotten what they want.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s a loud knock on the door as Daniel struggles to keep track of the time.

 

He had been playing the new Spider-man game all day, taking up his attention span way more than the class report he should be doing. The sudden knock jolts him out of his comfortable hermit, pulling him up to his feet groggily and dragging him to the front door to answer whoever was on the other side. As he takes a sneak peak in the peephole, Daniel squints and takes a double take because it’s _Woojin._ At his door.

 

It is the ultimate reality wake up call, Daniel can say.

 

Daniel unlocks the door with what he hopes to be a friendly smile on his face and not just a grimace from the light of the corridor hitting him all too harshly. He’s greeted by a scrutinising pair of eyes. Woojin stands with his arms crossed, a clear attempt to look intimidating. His chin is tilted upwards but it’s not really as menacing as Woojin hoped because Daniel still towers over him.

 

Woojin’s stern gaze alters as he widens his eyes in surprise at Daniel’s messy hair, tired face. He looks like he’s about to apologise but then he sharpens his gaze again.

 

Before Daniel could even say anything, Woojin cuts him off with a snappy, rough tone. “ _You._ ” Daniel raises his eyebrows at that. “What are your intentions with my best friend?”

 

Daniel stares at Woojin, perplexed and disbelieving that this is happening to him. It feels like both a nightmare and a joke and it makes Daniel want to laugh but at the unflinching seriousness in Woojin’s gaze, he thinks it’s better not to shrug it off.

 

Daniel clears his throat awkwardly, rubbing his nape absentmindedly. “I don’t have any _bad_ intentions with Jihoon if that’s what you’re trying to ask.”

 

Woojin narrows his eyes further, “What do you qualify as bad?” He points an accusing finger at Daniel, “Because it can be things like kis—”

 

He cuts off suddenly, eyes perking up with an unnatural light that scares Daniel more than the intimidating act he had on. “Is that the new Spidey game?”

 

Daniel blinks, realising that he had the game intro playing in the background and it’s still loud in his empty apartment. He nods, confirming Woojin’s suspicion, “Yeah, it is.”

 

Woojin’s eyes turn sparkly, all remnants of the tough best friend act gone. He bites down on his bottom lip, contemplating, “I won’t lecture you and I trust you with Jihoon.” He says all of it in a hurried sentence. “So can I play the game with you?”

 

Daniel chuckles out loud, pleasantly surprised with Woojin’s change of mood at the sight of a game. He nods, letting the boy in. The ease settles in and the awkwardness from earlier slips away, the power of gaming, Daniel supposes.

 

Woojin turns shy, shoving Daniel off when he teases the former during the game. Daniel imitates the deep toned voice Woojin adopted for his act and it causes Woojin to throw the remote at his head. Daniel manages to duck just in time as the remote sails over his shoulder to hit the cushions of the couch.

 

As they progress further into the game with Daniel scoring a few hits out of courtesy, Woojin pauses the game to take a drink. Daniel leans back into the couch, rolling his neck around to ease the tension of his muscles.

 

“I hope you set boundaries with Jihoon.”

 

Daniel stops, mid-humming, looking up to fix his gaze upon Woojin standing before him with two glasses of soda. He blinks, trying to decipher what Woojin had just said, totally veiled in the darkness of his apartment, curtains still keeping out the sunlight.

 

He wonders what time it is.

 

“I…” Daniel stumbles over his words, thinking. Woojin raises an eyebrow. “You don’t have to worry about it.”

 

“Is that all you have to say?”

 

Daniel bites down on his lip, “There isn’t anything to worry in the first place.” His heart feels like a heavy rock in his chest, continuing, “Jihoon’s a good friend.”

 

Woojin keeps quiet, his stare starting to feel more suffocating by the second as Daniel fidgets in place. Then, he finally sits down next to Daniel, passing him the second glass of soda. With a pat on Daniel’s back, he nods along.

 

“That, you’re right about.”

 

And then it turns into a routine.

 

It becomes more habitual than anything to enter Woojin’s apartment and go straight into the kitchen to check for any beer in the refrigerator. Woojin lingers in the living room, fixing the game on. It’s Friday and Daniel’s kindergarten classes ended early as usual whilst Woojin missed a lecture (tardiness or laziness, Daniel isn’t sure).

 

Daniel pokes his head into the refrigerator, calling out, “Woojin! Do you not have beer anymore?”

 

He sees Woojin entering the kitchen, smacking Daniel’s back bluntly and making the former wince. Woojin rolls his eyes as he washes his hands over the sink, the water muffling his words a little. “You’ve literally finished my pack this week. How about you get the beer this time round?”

 

“Oh alright,” Daniel says. “Do you want anything else?”

 

Woojin smiles, “Chips and poison.”

 

Daniel scoffs and turns around to leave the apartment. He makes a quick run to the convenience store, grabbing the beer and chips as what Woojin requested. He pauses before the sweets confectionery section and curses as he gives in to another pack of gummy bears. He can always share some with the kids (this is a lie and he knows it best).

 

When Daniel returns to the apartment, the door is left ajar unlike before and he notices another pair of sneakers by the door. Daniel furrows his eyebrows, pushing his way in and announcing his arrival.

 

“Hey Woojin?” Daniel shouts, his words echoing off the walls. The plastic bags crinkle in his grip. “I don’t know what kind of chips you liked so I got both salty and swee—” He stops, eyes widening at the sight of a familiar back facing him in the middle of the living room.

 

The stranger turns and Daniel’s breath hitches in his throat. Just then, Woojin walks into the living room with a glass of water and something else in the palm of his hand but Daniel isn’t really paying attention to him. His eyes are fixated on Park Jihoon whom is staring back at him with surprise mirrored back.

 

“Daniel,” Jihoon says and it’s got Daniel’s heart clenching like an automatic reaction to his voice. “What are you doing here?”

 

The confusion is clear on his face and Daniel pulls himself back, putting on a smile. He drops the bags on the dining table, clearing the contents and piling them on the table instead.

 

“Woojin and I were going to play together. Wanna join?”

 

“Oh,” Jihoon answers and Daniel is keeping his eyes on unpacking the beer cans so he doesn’t really know how Jihoon looks like right now. He hears a bit of muffled words passed from Woojin to Jihoon, a bit of shuffling and then, “Sure, just so I can show you two who’s superior.”

 

Daniel almost loses his grip on one of the beer cans, looking up to see a smug smile on Jihoon’s face. He raises an eyebrow at him, “You sure about that? I could make you cry.”

 

Jihoon scoffs, gesturing to the beer, “Give me one of those.”

 

Before Daniel could pass one to Jihoon, Woojin steps in between them, pulling Jihoon away as he protests in retaliation. Woojin slaps at Jihoon’s arm, “I’m not letting you drink.”

 

Jihoon practically groans, “Why not? It’s Saturday tomorrow!”

 

Daniel holds in his laughter, watching as Woojin chides Jihoon like he’s a seven year old denied of toys. “You know that you can’t handle your alcohol well and I don’t want to deal with that mess.”

 

“No one asked _you_ to deal with it.”

 

Daniel treads over to the couch, piling two beer cans and a bag of chips on the coffee table. He plants himself down on the couch, opening a can and taking a sip. Looking up, Daniel offers it to Jihoon with a smile, “You can have half of it, if you want.”

 

Jihoon stares at him for a few seconds before closing his hand around the can, lightly grazing Daniel’s fingers. He gulps down the beer, exhaling a loud, satisfied sigh. Woojin shakes his head at both of them, plopping down next to Daniel and taking his own can of beer.

 

“You two are so _so_ going to lose.”

 

Daniel laughs, grabbing a remote. He looks at Jihoon sideways, taking the can back and sipping a bit. Jihoon’s eyes linger on the can where Daniel’s mouth hovers over for a bit too long. Daniel feels hot all over at the gaze, clearing his throat and putting the can away on the table.

 

“You haven’t played with me so you wouldn’t know,” Daniel points out but Jihoon merely chuckles at him.

 

“Don’t underestimate me. I made Woojin hate me for an entire week once.”

 

Woojin pipes up next to Daniel, throwing a pillow over at Jihoon. It was aimed for his face but it hit squarely at Jihoon’s chest and he catches it with one hand, hugging it instead with a smirk.

 

“Oh wow, are you going to make me hate you?” Daniel teases back, initially meaning to mock Jihoon’s tone but the expression on Jihoon’s face softens. His heart retracts at the sight and he thinks, _I can never hate you._

 

Jihoon purses his lips, reaching for the alcohol again and taking a long sip from the beer can. Daniel watches idly at the way his Adam’s apple bobs in his throat, at his bottom lip plump against the cool, metal exterior. He feels Woojin elbowing into his ribs and he winces out a low hiss, focusing his eyes back on the starting screen.

 

“Limits,” Woojin whispers into Daniel’s ear. He swallows dryly as he turns to Woojin with what he hopes to be an expression of confusion but it isn’t fooling Woojin. His eyes are too knowing, hardened. “Know your limits.”

 

Daniel nods subtly and Woojin shifts so his elbow isn’t jabbing into Daniel’s side anymore. He jumpstarts the game and rushes an explanation for Jihoon, keeping his eyes on the screen the entire time. He won’t get distracted, no.

 

In the past week, Daniel is used to the way Woojin plays; pushy and slightly rough when he’s frustrated at a wrong move. Woojin’s hardly loud, usually Daniel’s voice echoes through the entire apartment because he’s annoyingly vocal when it comes to games, and he’s extremely competitive. When he caught on that Daniel had been giving him free passes, he surprised Daniel by taking a step further and killing off his character when he was unguarded.

 

Needless to say, Daniel’s used to Woojin pinching him on his thigh when he purposely throws him off. It’s natural to laugh and tease the latter during a session.

 

Jihoon…however, is a ticking bomb. Unpredictable and constantly on edge. He’s sitting on the corner of the couch, looking like he’s about to jump at any second. Daniel watches him from the corner of his eye, at the way he teeters on the edge, eyes concentrated on the game.

 

Then, he turns, meeting Daniel’s gaze, lips parting to say something. He stops short at Daniel already staring at him. The abashment dawns on Daniel, bathing his cheeks in pink as he turns to the screen once more. The fear seizes his heart and he hopes that Jihoon doesn’t say anything.

 

“Ji, what the fuck.” Woojin groans, throwing the remote on the table when his corner shows game over, signalling the end for his character. Jihoon snickers evilly and Woojin shoots him a sharp look, “Don’t fucking come over anymore, prick.”

 

Jihoon laughs, eyes not leaving the screen, “That’s for leaving me alone today. You know I hate Literature.”

 

“It’s not _my_ fault that I have a part time job and you suck at maintaining your gpa.”

 

Daniel furrows his eyebrows. His character is stuck in an ordeal and he’s trying to power through it. “Literature?”  
  
“Yeah, I told you about it before when you saw me reading the Catcher in the Rye.”

 

“Dude, you still haven’t finished it?” Woojin munches chips, leaving a mess on his lap, casually watching them game now.

 

“I thought you were making up an excuse to hide your inner hipster,” Daniel answers and it makes Woojin laugh, ringing in Daniel’s ears.

 

“Like Jihoon would voluntarily read anything that is more than ten pages.”

 

“Shut up,” Jihoon says. Daniel isn’t entirely sure whether he’s saying to both of them or just specifically him but the burn on Jihoon’s cheeks is answer enough and he bites back a chuckle at the adorable sight.

 

The familiar music of a game ending fills the air and Daniel whips around, squinting his eyes at the screen to see that indeed, Jihoon actually won. His character lies in a startling pool of blood that Daniel doesn’t remember getting himself into. The scores pop up, showing that Jihoon is first, followed by Daniel and Woojin. He hears Woojin whistling and going, _“Duuuude, I was vouching for you!”_

 

“Maybe keep your eyes on the screen, Niel,” Jihoon cocks an eyebrow, smirking at Daniel. The sudden mention of his nickname waves over Daniel with a certain warmth that he’s not unfamiliar with. Then, the intonation of Jihoon’s words hit him and he’s stuttering, trying to explain himself.

 

“You’re just distracting,” is all Daniel says before throwing the remote on the table just like Woojin did and leaning back with a long, tired sigh. “This is beginner’s luck.”

 

Woojin is nodding along with him, and Jihoon scoffs in disbelief. “You two are sore losers, you know that?” He kicks at Daniel’s ankles in retaliation before getting up from the couch. Daniel hisses lowly, closing his eyes to ease the dizziness from everything.

 

“Also, I can’t believe you’ve been gaming with Woojin and not me.”

 

Daniel opens an eye, glancing at Jihoon as he opens a new can of beer. Woojin seems too unbothered to protest at Jihoon drinking more alcohol this time round.

 

“I’m too busy accompanying you read books off a white girl’s list.”

 

Jihoon chokes on his beer and Daniel laughs as Jihoon grows frustrated, stomping his foot, “I’m _forced_ to do it. Will you stop making fun of me?”

 

“You’re so cute, how could I?” Daniel blurts out without thinking and he’s still laughing as he says it. The realisation doesn’t sink until he notices the silence after, with Woojin’s scrutinising stare and Jihoon’s alarmed expression.

 

 _Limits._ Daniel glances at Woojin briefly, scratching at his chin awkwardly when no one says anything. “I mean,” he stutters, perplexed. “Riling you up is kind of funny.”

 

Jihoon clears his throat, leaning down to grab two remotes and throwing them at both Daniel and Woojin. Daniel’s lands right in his lap whilst Woojin makes an attempt to catch it but it falls sideways, hitting his thighs. He makes a pained expression but Jihoon barely pays him any attention, sitting back down on the couch, bumping shoulders against Daniel.

 

“I’ll prove it to you that it isn’t beginner’s luck,” Jihoon says, restarting the game. Woojin hoots in the back excitedly as Daniel’s hand slowly takes the remote off his lap, moving robotically.

 

“And don’t stare too much,” Woojin warns, already choosing a new character for himself on the screen. “I may be competitive but I’m not so blind and you two aren’t even trying.”

 

Daniel bites on the inside of his cheek, too shocked and embarrassed to say anything so he keeps his head down, eyes fixated on the remote. He takes a quick sneak peek at Jihoon and notices the tips of his ears reddening. Before he could say anything, Jihoon huffs, gripping onto his remote tightly.

 

The beer can Daniel had been sharing with Jihoon sits on the table, empty and he pushes himself off the couch, opting for a quick break.

 

Daniel needs all the alcohol to get through this, if he can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So when are you ever going to introduce me to your new boyfriend?”

 

Daniel accidentally drops his chopsticks, the soup of the ramen splattering against the sides of the bowl. He hears his best friend loudly cackle at him and he frowns deeply.

 

“What the fuck did Jaehwan say to you?”

 

Seongwu, his unfortunate best friend, smirks. “Nothing much, just that you’re hanging out with a pretty boy lately.”

 

Daniel pulls the bowl of ramen far from Seongwu’s grasp, causing the latter to whine. He merely ignores his pleas and points a finger at Seongwu, “You don’t come into my humble abode, leech off my food and say this shit.”

 

“Why are you being mean!” Seongwu cries out. “I’ve been pulling all nighters this week for a case and I thought I could spend some quality time with my favourite person in the world.”

 

Daniel scoffs, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at Seongwu’s dramatics. Trust Seongwu to be whiny and needy still when he’s a sought after lawyer in the field, Daniel wonders if that’s what he does to drive the opposition into the guilty verdict.

 

He slowly pushes the bowl back to Seongwu. The latter grabs it hastily and shoves noodles into his mouth, sending a disgusting wink Daniel’s way. “I’m not your favourite person.”

 

“You’re right.”

 

Seongwu slurps noisily and ignores the look of revulsion from Daniel. “Anyway, you haven’t said much about pretty boy to me and I get intel from Jaehwan that you’ve been swooning over him.”

 

“I’ve not been swooning over him!” Daniel drops his spoon back into his bowl, giving up on eating entirely at this point. He pulls a face, grumbling quietly. “Jaehwan’s just exaggerating it.”

 

Which _is_ true. Sometimes Daniel texts Jaehwan once in a while to talk about how hard it is to keep his emotions in check around Jihoon and those are the times where Daniel regrets his decision to confide in him because he never directly answers him. Jaehwan is awful enough to post a screenshot of his messages in the group chat where the three poke fun at Daniel for having a _crush._

 

“Jaehwan also tells me that he’s…” Seongwu purses his lips, his gaze shifting to his bowl of ramen, and this should be the sign for him to not listen but Daniel raises his eyebrows, egging him on. “He thinks your new boy reminds him a little too much of…”

 

Daniel knows it before he says it.

 

“ _Hyunbin._ ”

 

And he regrets.

 

His teeth grind together unpleasantly at the blast of memories hitting the front of his mind; the pretty face, the sweetest pout, the perfectly sculptured things he said. The ice cuts into his heart and Daniel takes a deep breath, pushing it down. It’s over, it’s over, it has been over for years.

 

Get over it.

 

It’s a pain to be the centre of such concern, Daniel mildly understands it. He has to be more cautious with his heart and whom he lets in but he _knows_ Jihoon and he’s not stupid enough to get hurt. Again.

 

He sees Seongwu forming the apology on his lips, but Daniel interrupts before anything can be said. “You don’t know Jihoon yet.”

 

“Let me meet him and judge for myself then!”

 

Daniel shakes his head at him immediately, completely repulsed by the idea of bringing them two together. It’s disastrous as the imagery plays out in his mind. “No… _no._ I’m not that _suicidal._ ”

 

It’s unsurprising that Seongwu wants to see Jihoon but Daniel can only hope that his work keeps him away from having time to meet Jihoon. The thought of it makes Daniel shiver. Just the imagination of Seongwu chattering away, pulling out every secret he knows of Daniel from their childhood and further eliminating any hope of…normalcy in their friendship, that is it.

 

That’s when Seongwu leans forward, putting his hand atop Daniel’s, and there’s genuine worry in his gaze. He cocks his head sideways, a corner of his mouth tips upwards in a small smile. “If he is causing my pal this much joy, I should meet him and thank him, shouldn’t I?”

 

Daniel chuckles, trust Seongwu to be sappy while teasing him. Still, he’s adamant. “Sweet but _no._ ”

 

Seongwu starts whining again, he almost never stops. Daniel wonders how he manages to be stuck with such friends in the city. “I’ll bring Minhyun too! We have that party for you coming up, invite him please.”

 

“For me? You guys are really going to do that?”

 

Seongwu smiles, subtle and evil enough that Daniel wants to forgo going to his own birthday party. Is it even a celebratory party if all they do is mock Daniel and use the occasion as an excuse to shove their faces with cake and drink all night?

 

“Of course!” He slurps again at the soup. “We have to celebrate our favourite Danny boy!”

 

“I’m not going.”

 

His laughter fills the air and Daniel slumps forward, pouting further. “I’ll think about it…” At the sight of Seongwu’s hopeful smile, “Don’t do anything stupid!”

 

“That’s on you, honey.”

 

Daniel rolls his eyes but then Seongwu continues, asking with genuine curiosity. “Did you tell Jisung yet?”

 

“Jisung?” Daniel halts, biting his lip and Seongwu can see it; the answer blatantly written on Daniel’s face, the guilt and the shuddering fear that follows after. The familiar question hits Daniel with a blunt force as he remembers Jaehwan sharing the same interest.

 

It happened with Jaehwan too when Daniel was waiting for Jihoon to finish one of his lectures to meet him thereafter. He slid into the seat across Daniel, dusting some bits of cocoa on his apron and smiling at the latter.

 

Daniel tried to ignore Jaehwan, focusing on his phone instead, but the stare became a little suffocating. He blurted out, “What is it? I’m sure you’re not here to stare at my pretty face.”

 

“I’m wondering if Jisung knows about Jihoon,” Jaehwan said with something blazing in his eyes.

 

Now, Seongwu lights up with a new fire, similar to Jaehwan, that almost scares Daniel. “You haven’t told him about your crush?” There’s a dark satisfied on his lips, “I can’t wait to see how _that_ plays out.”

 

Daniel itches to flip the entire bowl of ramen atop of Seongwu’s head but it won’t even be as satisfying because the soup is already cold. He just wants Seongwu to be scalded from head to toe.

 

“Why do y’all want Jisung to know so badly?”

 

Seongwu laughs, “Are you acting like you don’t know?” He raises an eyebrow knowingly, “You’re his little baby.”

 

Daniel scrunches up his nose at that but he can’t even deny it.

 

The thing about his group of friends is that while they’re painfully hard to tolerate on any day, they’re scarily invasive and protective of Daniel. Out of all, Jisung holds the most overprotective role (also because he’s the eldest of all and he thinks himself as wise). Daniel has been hurt enough to elicit such behaviour from Jisung and he’s constantly warning Daniel to be more wary, less vulnerable with the matters of his heart.

 

It’s not like Daniel can’t control what he feels however.

 

But… _but_ Jihoon isn’t a threat to any inevitable heartbreak so Jisung doesn’t really have to know anything. Though, Daniel does hope that Jisung doesn’t catch on anything because he’s the hardest to hide things from, seeing as he has practically seen Daniel ever since training wheels and patterned bandaids.

 

“It’s not a crush so why should I tell Jisung about it?” Daniel huffs stubbornly. Alright, he’s not really stubborn. It’s the truth.

 

They’re friends. Just good friends playing games, going to cafes, oversharing sometimes. Jihoon’s a good friend, not at all someone with such stunning eyes that would make Daniel melt into a puddle and a pretty pout that leaves a lot for the imagination. Not at all so there’s nothing to hide.

 

Daniel will even invite Woojin to the party, because the two comes in a pair. And who knows, maybe they’ll all be friends.

 

He feels like there’s a storm coming and he’s digging his own grave by giving in to Seongwu’s teasing.

 

Seongwu smirks with a hint of eeriness. He stares like he’s dissecting all of Daniel’s thoughts and mocking them with a single taunting smile. “Let’s see how you hide it from him then.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel hates to admit it.

 

His mind becomes preoccupied with the date of the party inevitably coming closer with the weeks of winter passing by. Seongwu told him to not worry about it and just leave it to the ‘Party Gods’ which is apparently a title Seongwu and Minhyun hold (Daniel can’t take these lawyers seriously).

 

Truthfully, Daniel just wants to spend his birthday at his own apartment instead of a fancy, overpriced hotel suite. He just wants to stay in, play video games, lounge around and get scratched by his cats over and over again. It’s a bit useless telling his best friends this, as it’s a tradition to throw parties for each other, to bask in the pretence of being alright for one night, to catch up on what they missed and of course, to get purely shit-faced.

 

He twirls the pen between his fingers, switching his focus from the windy afternoon to the silence of his phone at the corner of his desk. There’s papers in front of him, a decoy to fool anyone walking past the classroom. As far as Daniel’s concerned, they’re not really important and they aren’t due until the next week for the kids to bring home to their families.

 

Daniel looks up and he’s greeted by an orchestrated mess; a few boys chasing each other around the class, other kids clutching crayons and pressing colours to their dirty canvases, some girls fixing their pigtails whilst sitting on their own papers.

 

Daniel chuckles to himself, getting up from the stool. “Hey, hey now.” He points at the boys running around and they slow down at the sound of their teacher. He smiles for better measure, “Drew the fruits, did you?”

 

One of them, Taejoon, he believes, walks towards Daniel timidly. He’s almost crushing the purple crayon in his grip and Daniel bends down to meet his eye when he stops in front of him.

 

“I did,” his teeth grind uncomfortably together and Daniel nods, encouraging him to talk slowly.

 

Taejoon is only five and he’s one of the youngest in the class, he feels a little overprotective over the latter. So he takes the crayon from the kid’s hold, his fingers mulling over the little jagged texture.

 

“I don’t know about purple grapes,” Taejoon frowns, playing with his own fingers, clearly nervous. “Mommy eats green grapes.”

 

“And?”

 

“Jay says there is only purple…and we fight…”

 

Daniel nods again, understanding the chase now. “So you stole purple crayon from Jay and you ran away?”

 

Taejoon nervously smiles, “Yes!”

 

Daniel laughs, ruffling Taejoon’s hair, silently cooing at the boy inside. He calls out to the other boy to beckon him closer and he’s skipping towards Daniel, a bright grin on his face. Smiling, Daniel looks at Taejoon and initiates a starter for an apology and in five seconds, the boys are bumping small fists, the chase forgotten.

 

“So boys, what did I say?”

 

“Grapes can be purple and green,” they say in unison, accompanied by the wide grin on Jay’s face and the small smile on Taejoon’s. Daniel taps them on their shoulders, giving a smile of approval, sending them away with the purple and green crayons in their hands.

 

At the end of the day, the canvases are handed back to Daniel, finished or not. He gazes over at the papers in his hands, the messy artwork created by the kids, the creativity at their tips. Their task was merely recreating the bowl of fruits Daniel borrowed from the kindergarten office, highly encouraged by the principal.

The grapes on the bowl, however, are purple. Generic. When Daniel flips through the papers, looking at the entries, he notices the influence Taejoon has. A smile spreads on his face when he sees Jay’s and the grapes are green. It turns into a laugh when he sees a rainbow-coloured apple on another canvas then, a blue orange with a smiley on another.

 

His hand reaches for his red pen and he draws a star on every single one because everyone deserves one and credits are given to imagination.

 

“Do I get a star?” someone chirps up behind Daniel and he turns to see Yena jumping up and down in excitement. Her eyes keep darting to the pile on Daniel’s table, a quarter graded with a star already. “Please, I want to show mommy and daddy my star!”

 

Chuckling, Daniel puts down his pen. Adoration fills his heart as he pats Yena on the head, careful to not mess her braids, remembering that they are precious to her. He teases lightly, “Maybe you get a star.”

 

“Maybe is good?”

 

Daniel scrunches his nose at her, still teasing in a high-pitched tone now. “If you are good.”

 

Yena starts whining, pointing at the pile, still bouncy as ever. “I draw rainbow apple! Colourful!”

 

Daniel giggles then, remembering the bright colours overpowering over one another, creating a slightly muddiness in between the lines. It’s cute and exactly like Yena to do it, remembering her obsession with rainbows. She’s wearing rainbow clips, pinning her fringe back from her forehead. Rainbow pony keychain on her bag, some kind of My Little Pony character she mentioned to him before.

 

Just like she anticipated, there is a star on her rainbow apple.

 

“Yes, Yena, you have a star.” Daniel laughs at her, tapping her nose lightly. “You’re the star.”

 

Yena blinks up at him, eyes glistening with light and happiness. “I am?” And when Daniel nods softly, she smiles so wide, pumping her fist in the air happily. “Yay! Teacher Daniel says I am a star!”

 

“Did he?”

 

Daniel whips around at the sound of another voice, oddly familiar. His heart starts beating fast like it’s a natural reaction to the voice, low-toned, slightly raspy. His eyes squint in the face of the sun, adjusting to the light to fall upon a slightly shorter male. The softest pair of eyes with the tiniest spark in them and Daniel knows.

 

_You’re the star._

 

Yena turns around as well in surprise and it fades when she recognises the intruder even better than Daniel. “You are Teacher Daniel’s friend!”

 

Trust a five year old kid’s memory to be sharper. Jihoon chuckles, amused and pleasantly surprised by the light of recognition in Yena’s expression. “You remembered me?”

 

Yena nods enthusiastically, “You want to hold Teacher Daniel’s hand!”

 

At the mention of the past encounter, Daniel watches Jihoon colour visibly, coughing a little. He resists the urge to laugh as the look of innocence is displayed on Yena’s face and Jihoon looks utterly abashed again. Daniel reaches for a lollipop on his desk, he always keeps a box of them for the kids (and maybe himself).

 

Tapping lightly on Yena’s shoulder, he passes a strawberry milk flavoured lollipop, her favourite, to her and as expected, her face lights up in pure happiness. She bounces up and down again, squealing like the true five year old child she is and hugging the sweet to her chest tightly like anyone would even dare to steal it from her.

 

“Now, don’t you have to eat?” Daniel pushes her towards the door gently. Yena smiles, squeals once more when she sees the lollipop and skips towards the canteen with soft steps, her braids swinging.

 

When Daniel turns towards Jihoon, he feels his palms sweating a little. He chuckles awkwardly, “I thought you had a presentation today.”

 

Jihoon raises his eyebrows, amusement in his gaze, “Are you saying you don’t want me here?”

 

Daniel’s in the middle of shuffling through the papers on his desk and he pauses a little at that. Contemplating for a second, keeping Jihoon on his tiptoes, he tidies up the mess on his desk and puts whatever he needs in his messenger bag.

 

“I didn’t say that,” Daniel answers finally, looking up to meet Jihoon’s gaze knowingly. He tucks the strap of his bag on his shoulder, twisting it slightly. “How did you know where I work?”

 

“I have my sources,” Jihoon says, winking at him. Then, he laughs. “Jaehwan.”

 

“I figured,” he’s still twisting the strap of his bag and Jihoon’s gaze falls upon it. Is it obvious that he’s nervous? Daniel wonders. All different thoughts run through his mind, different things to say. He clears his throat, “That’s sweet, you’re surprising me at work.”

 

Jihoon coughs, hiding his smile but Daniel saw it as fleeting as it was. He chuckles inwardly at the shyness on the former’s face, the tips of his ears reddening. He can blame it on the weather but Daniel wishes otherwise, wants to think otherwise.

 

“I’m just here to…um…” Jihoon mumbles around his words, rubbing at his nape. “I’m here to grab lunch with you, do you have enough time? Like an hour maybe?”

 

“Well, you caught me at the right time. I’m free for the rest of the day. Wanna grab a bite?”

 

Jihoon widens his eyes, “Oh? You don’t have anymore classes with the kids?” When Daniel shakes his head, he actually _pouts_ , looking disappointed. Daniel’s mind reels from the sudden expression and Jihoon goes on, oblivious. “I was hoping I could witness you in your element…”

 

Daniel laughs, eyes crinkling, “Perhaps next time?”

 

They fall into step now as they walk out of the empty classroom. Faint sounds of kids laughing, running around and creating mischief fill the corridor. Daniel nods shyly at a fellow colleague passing them by, it’s the English teacher and she cocks an eyebrow at the sight of Daniel with an unfamiliar face in the kindergarten. He mouths ‘ _a friend_ ’ and her confusion ebbs away into a smile.

 

Jihoon, however, has his eyes on the artwork decorating the walls, all the murals are a collaborative effort between the teachers and the kids. There are names lining up, crediting the artists on every single painting. Daniel has walked down this corridor a million times, has gotten used to the splashes of colours, has grown to memorise every itty bitty detail of the murals.

 

“What do you teach, anyway?” Jihoon asks, turning his attention to Daniel.

 

“I’m both an art and physical education teacher,” Daniel replies. He smiles at the look of shock on Jihoon’s face. “That’s probably why I don’t have a full schedule since the subjects I teach are merely electives as compared to English and Math.”

 

“Still… I’m surprised.”

 

“Surprised?”

 

Jihoon hums, “I’d never peg you for a kindergarten teacher. I thought you would be working in an office or something freelance.”

 

“I wanted to be a freelance artist. I did hold a few exhibitions last time, before I dropped out of university. But I love kids and I don’t particularly detest educating others so I went on and took a private certificate in childhood education.”

 

“That’s interesting,” Jihoon says. “I was wondering why you didn’t just…switch majors in university.”

 

Daniel rolls his eyes at the mention of university, “I _hated_ uni. The only reason why I stuck out for one year is because of my best friend, Ong, or else I would have left on the first day.”

 

Jihoon blinks up at him, “Ong?”

 

“Ah, yeah. I mentioned him before to you, I think? Same circle of friends with Jaehwan.”

 

Jihoon’s lips form an ‘o’ and he nods along. “Talking about your friends, Jaehwan was telling me about a birthday party for you?”

 

Daniel whips around in surprise, his lips moving, rambling. “Damn Jaehwan and his big mouth.” At that, Jihoon laughs, amused. “I wanted to ask you myself actually but it’s weird to invite you to _my_ birthday party. But come if you want to or not.”

 

Jihoon smiles teasingly, eyes glittering with mischief. “Do you want me to?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Niel, I asked if you want me to.”

 

His breath momentarily halts at the sound of his nickname uttered by Jihoon; the naturality like he’s been saying it forever (Daniel wants him to say it forevermore), the soft roll of his tongue around Daniel’s nickname. It’s almost like a card that Jihoon pulls out only to make him flustered (and unfortunately, it’s working). He looks down at their hands swinging closely but not close enough to touch. It’s a pity, and his hand feels empty, his heart feels empty.

 

Inhaling deeply, he tucks whatever’s going on in his mind at the back and maintains a neutral expression. Daniel nods slowly, opting for a small smile. “I want you to kidnap me from the party.”

 

Jihoon chuckles, the deep sound resonating between them, attacking the strings of Daniel’s heart. “Wouldn’t that make for a bad impression of me…”

 

Daniel sighs, resigned. “They’re going to make fun of me. Save me from the ridicule.”

 

Jihoon huffs out dramatically, causing Daniel to laugh. He salutes at Daniel, and then, giving into laughter as well. “I will try my best.”

 

He takes a leap of faith and lightly knocks his hand against Jihoon’s, making the latter’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise but then, his face settles into a calm expression mixed…with something else. Daniel would like to think of it as pleasant so he does and gifts Jihoon a bright smile, eyes crinkled in gratitude.

 

“Thank you. You don’t have to prepare anything and if you’re scared of awkwardness, just bring Woojin along.”

 

“Wouldn’t that be worse? Bringing two strangers to a party with your friends?”

 

“Nah,” Daniel shakes his head, pulling his hand back slightly. He looks up at the sky, basking in the sunshine. It hasn’t been snowing the past week and it’s quite miraculous, he thanks his blessings. “My friends are chatterboxes, you’ll soon wish that you didn’t come.”

 

Jihoon grows quiet after that and Daniel worries, turning to him to see an odd expression on his face. Jihoon looks like he’s contemplating something, lip bitten down in thought. Daniel nudges him with a quick flick to his arm but Jihoon catches him by the wrist, quicker than Daniel envisioned and he holds back his surprise and puts forth a look of perplexity.

 

“Thanks for inviting me though,” Jihoon says so softly that Daniel can barely hear it over the gush of the wind. “I’ve been wondering when’s your birthday since I briefly remember that you mentioned you’re a Sagittarius.”

 

Daniel smirks despite the loud pounding of his heart in his ears, Jihoon’s touch is cold to his skin but it’s welcoming, it feels like it belongs. “So your drunk ass didn’t block any of that out? I’m glad.”

 

A sound of a slap resonates between them and Daniel winces, cradling his arm in pain. It’s stinging but the pain slowly disappears at the sight of Jihoon’s face all contorted in bright laughter, competing against the sun behind him. Daniel indulges in the happiness spreading throughout him, and he hates to admit it.

 

Maybe he’s fucked and Seongwu is right after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His breath is a puff of grey smoke, escalating in the air of the 3am night.

 

No matter how many times they’ve been here, it still feels like the first; startling, icy breeze brushing against their skin, the breakout of nerves that Daniel fights, Hyunbin’s soft gaze as the smoke swallows them both whole. And no matter how many times they’ve been here, Daniel still hasn’t learnt his lesson.

 

There’s a million red lights surrounding the boy next to him but it still doesn’t make his feelings fade. Daniel can hear all his friends screaming at him, the voice of conscience in his mind saying that it isn’t worth it. The same ordeal goes on every time he comes out to the half moon and Hyunbin on his bike.

 

It still doesn’t help him to get over staring at those perfectly reddened lips.

 

“Daniel, if you want to kiss me, just do it.”

 

He blinks, the feeling of abashment spreading to his cheeks at the callout. Daniel stutters, shifting to his right, slightly away from Hyunbin but the latter has a hand circled around his waist, slowly tugging him in, tickling his sides. His touch is warm, tingling and Daniel leans in subconsciously. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. He usually waits at the sidelines, watching the smoke disappear into the air.

 

Daniel wants to, he thinks, and he really fucking wants to.

 

So he does.

 

Then, Hyunbin tears everything out of him, grasping pieces of Daniel’s heart, the shattered edges barely cutting him because pain is not the biggest shock factor for him, nothing is.

 

A billion _I told you so’s_ didn’t fix it either, the warnings didn’t help Daniel see the light either, the bruises on the heels of his feet weren’t painful enough to scare him off. Nothing did.

 

Daniel guesses, he’s a stubborn soul. He always has to get what he wants; a problematic mentality that his mother has tried to abolish but when you’ve mastered the art of manipulation, everything kisses your feet like it’s meant to be. Then, it’d make sense that he had it coming, he should see it coming in the eye of karmic energy and whatever that is.

 

But does anyone really deserve to have their heart torn to bits just for tricking your mother into getting you ice cream?

 

And perhaps, it’s all a ploy at some point, maybe it’s a good fucking lesson from the universe in the end because Daniel was never whole. Ever again.

 

It’s a story of a broken boy and he broke another and another and another. Till the sun comes out.

 

 


End file.
